Nice Girls Finish Last

June has been super-duper rough and my stars just don’t seem to be aligned. I have a goal of making at least two posts per month and it’s been a struggle, writer’s block has been tackling me like some big musty football player. I popped Brandy’s Full Moon CD from 2002 in my PC and it’s providing some relief so I’m going with it. I’ve decided just to rant in hopes that someone can relate to a sistah.

Last Place – Okay so on the race to finding something constant with the opposite sex, I’m for sure a turtle. The age old saying is that nice guys finish last but the girls are back here too. I’m last in the race but I don’t see any nice guys back here with me, hmmm I’m confused. I can literally stroke these keys to say that I always have my friends and acquaintances best interests at heart in every action that I take. My eyes start to water from the bottom as I then type that I feel as though this is not always reciprocated. The thing is that these people who don’t love me the same aren’t the bearers of my blessings so I will continue being who I am no matter how many battle wounds it gives. Those who take advantage of my kindness or generosity and even assume that I am weak because of it will have something greater to answer to than a confrontation from me. I just expect someone to be genuine, circumstances are relative.

Not so Casual – So I’m beginning to eat my words. I thought I could play the game where I really didn’t “care” or commit. But I do freaking care, I care too much and often times about the wrong people. Now being who I am, why on God’s green earth would I ever get the idea that I could take the emotion out of anything? I literally had a roster of guys who I was entertaining and I had to lay them off. I just can’t. I want attention when I want it and there’s a problem when no one on the team is available. Like really? And on top of that, some of the other people on their rosters aren’t on my level so then it makes me seem less than what I am, at least in my mind. So committing to not commit was really turning out to being me selling myself short. I have worked waaaaay too hard to build myself up and realize how much worth I encompass to settle. My team has been laid off and I am back to being a loner for now. I’ll just let serendipity do its thang!

It’s my Anniversary – Ummm so my birthday is in about twenty days and I can’t think of any major accomplishments that I want to brag about. I can say that I survived and kicked my adversities in the donkey. I can say that my faith was tested and I passed. I had some cloudy days and times but my faith in sunshine got me through. My support system never ceases to amaze me, I have people that speak so highly of me and all I am doing is being me so I’m often baffled on top of being flattered by their opinions. I can say that if there aren’t people like that in your life, you need to march your behind back to square one. I will take the year and thank it for the beautiful memories and amazing triumphs and tests of my forever growing faith and courage.

Goals are Wiggly – One day I think I know exactly what I want to do and then the next I’m so confused. This month alone, I wanted to go to flight attendant school, move to Philadelphia in pursuit of a fashion job, move to Atlanta to escalate with my current job, and quit my job and live with my parents to write a book. There is not a day that goes by that I am not dreaming. I thank God for this ability, I am seeing it as more of a talent than anything else as I encounter people who don’t have goals and are content. I don’t understand what life is without goals as I have had them since I learned how to write. I love to dream, it literally keeps me young. I will not stop making leaps toward what I want, I will land on the lily pad that’s meant for me soon enough. My goals may wiggle but I think it works for me; I just had an epiphany writing this. Any movement is better than no movement at all.

Secretly Steve
– What most people don’t know about me is that I used to be an extremely shy person like extreeeeeemely. Once I was around a bunch of outgoing people, I learned how to speak up and that closed mouths don’t get fed. Being quiet and passive literally gets you nothing but stepped on. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I clam up but I now have an inner lion that tells me to buck up. Okay so I may have learned to become more outspoken but I’m still secretly Steven Q. Urkel. I still have sweaty palms and almost swallow my tongue in social settings, especially if it’s a new enviornment to me altogether. The trouble with this plight is that no one believes this to be true, I guess I have the whole fake it to you make it thing down packed. I just want to cry about the fact that it takes me so much more than the “normal” person to do new things and meet new people and then I will be fine. I think I experience some sort of apprehension daily but I will not stop overcoming my fears because I have a good success rate for favorable outcomes.

Full Plate – I just don’t know how to exist without having my plate full of things to do. I think I am my best when I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I like to prove to myself that I can handle a lot and I don’t feel accomplished until I’m exhausted. My ideal way to live right now is to have two jobs and while exceling as a full-time student. I feel like I’m playing catch up after being side tracked for several years and anything less than overdrive makes me feel inadequate. I’m not sure if this is a flaw or what but some guy did once tell me that “two jobs is for two people”. That guy doesn’t pay my bills or buy me new purses and shoes so I don’t think he knew what he was talking about. Ahhhhh, I don’t know but I just really don’t feel like I deserve to lay on the couch like a bump on a log until I can say that my blurry dreams are in fact reality. Am I trippin’ or just determined?

Well my friends, the random rant is over, I hope you enjoyed this dose of me.

Your favorite turtle,

-M

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Duped in a Small World

story time

There is no fiction as strange as the truth. This saying really couldn’t be truer especially when it comes to my life as Mila. With that being said, please fasten your seatbelt and grab some Orville Redenbacher’s for your enjoyment while I share this short story. The events that I am about to share are real but the names have been changed.

About three months ago, I opted out of being a couch potato and decided to go hang out with one of my fun friends, Erica. Erica and I had a wonderful night out just letting our hair down, bobbing our heads to new music, taking bathroom selfies and of course giggling over drinks. At bar number two, I was approached by a guy who said he was in love with my hair. Now, I was not the most sober person in the world but I still thought he was a weirdo. He was dressed in decent clothes and his breath smelled okay so I allowed him to flirt with me. I must have been feeling really good because I let homeboy have my number. I am typically not the girl who gives her number out while she is out on the town but I was clearly off my game. Because I have a hard time rejecting others I typically give out my cell number from like ten years ago or even my friend Trina’s number. The following day or the day after, this guy texted me and the textersation probably only lasted for like four bubbles before my interest was lost. Okay got that down right?

Now, let’s fast forward to about three or four weeks ago. I found myself on that ratchet dating site again and behold there was a nice looking guy. Additionally he possessed a sense of humor and said he was from Philly, Philly is on my list of prospective places to move and find my dream job so I’m all like tell me more! We exchanged a few messages on the site and then finally he asked for my number. Oh and it will be important to know that he is an aspiring vocalist and sent me a video of him belting out a John Legend song, it wasn’t bad either. Despite the fact that he used all CAPS when texting, he seemed pretty cool and he could joke with me, that was a major plus. We decided to meet up and we hung out very briefly, the chemistry was not there, I could even go on to say that I was slightly annoyed. He was shorter than me, the same height as my mother precisely and he immediately began calling me by a pet name. Okay so after our hang out time ended, he sent me several texts proclaiming how much he liked me and blah blah blaaaaah; guess he felt a spark that I didn’t. His aura just didn’t rub me right and he caught on after my replies to him stayed under four words.

Hit the fast forward button for one last time for me. Okay so here I am minding my business and I get a text from the original guy. For the sake of the story let’s call him Eddie. Okay so I receive a “What are you up to” text from Eddie out of the blue and by this time I have not a clue who he is. He told me to follow him on Instagram so that I could refresh my memory and I did. Upon him accepting my request, I began looking through his pictures and I’ll be damned if I did not see him in a picture with the singer guy. I also found the same video clipping of dude singing too, Eddie posted it “shouting” him out.

HOLY CRAP…WAIIIIIIIT! Wait, was I catfished? Hold up hmmmm, that doesn’t apply. Were they playing a game with me? OMG when I first met Eddie he was with someone at that bar, was it singer dude? Did he seek me out? My mind was literally exploding. I was totally freaked out and had a mini meltdown. How in the heck was the world that small? Why me Lord, Whhhhhhy? Was it just a legitimate coincidence or do I need to consider witness protection? Neither one of these guys was ever even a true prospect, there was so much wasted energy that this situation demanded.

Ahhhhh well, I suppose this story has some sort of moral outside of the fact that the happenings in my life seem to be a clusterfuck that only a run on sentence could explain. Two things I took away were to delete my online dating profile for good. You could literally be who you want online and manipulate the hair off someone’s head. I’m just too genuine an naïve for that sort of thing. The second lesson is to not give my number out just for the hell of it. I honestly never do but this whole story was a prime example of why I don’t do such a thing. It was confirmation, if you will. Are you still with me? It wasn’t even Friday the thirteenth, HA! Ewsies, recalling this story makes me want to get a third lock installed on my front door.

Watch out for the boogie man.

-M