So I still haven’t really set any concrete goals for myself for the year because I believe that it’s going to be a dynamic one full of growth and numerous triumphs. The possibilities are limitless and I don’t want to create a ceiling with goals. I am afraid that I won’t set the bar high enough, like my arm can’t reach up to Mars. Make sense? Well as I am living life and striving to do so with purpose, I have been coming up with some alterations I can make internally that will make me a greater asset to others in my life and ultimately my future King. Anyways, my challenge for the first quarter of the year is to work on my attitude. Yes, like there’s already a stigma that a brown-skinned girl with the name of Shemila is probably sassy and hot-tempered anyways, let’s be honest. But really, that is not who I am. I am this naturally meek being who just wants to live organically, smells the roses, and feel the sun against my skin. When I am stressed, I close my eyes and picture myself dancing in a field of dandelions for God’s sake. I am trying to get back to that girl who lets things roll off her back. Now don’t get it twisted, I will always stand up for myself but I just need to learn how to fall back more often. Why am I always on the defense? Most battles are honestly not worth fighting especially when I know I am destined to win the war.
I feel like in order to move forward with fixing my attitude; I have to identify some things that hinder me. So here we go:
Too Much Explanation
I spend too much of my time explaining myself, who I am, why I do what I do, and how I plan on do it. The truth is I like to speak things into existence but am I cursing myself with my own tongue? Am I overanalyzing every little thing and missing out on the bigger picture? Am I getting in my own way by doing this? I think it would be safe to say that the answer is yes. The trials that I have endured during my journey of life so far have taught me who I am and given me the ability to be sure and confident in the choices that I make. I feel like I iMessage, text message, instant message, email, and even speak too many words in a day. It is like I’m trying to make up for all those years during childhood when I didn’t speak up for myself. Yes, at one point in life I was so shy that my teacher thought I had a speech problem, ha! I am so into the whole actions speak louder than words thing, but am I living that? I need to walk more and talk less in order to gain the piece of my sanity back that’s slowly slipping away. I know who I am and others will too when they watch my strides, no need for explanation.
Why is it so hard for me just to mind my business? I am always trying to put my cape on and save somebody. Its tiring, especially when the person that I am trying to save doesn’t even want to be saved. Some people are truly happy living in a deep dark pit of bullshit (sorry mom). I mean like really, here I am working on being the best I can be while also trying to dart towards happiness and then there are people who are just content. Being content is just something that I am totally against, it’s synonymous with settling. I cannot and I will not ever be one of those people. Last year TD Jakes preached this sermon on New Year’s eve in which he repeated, “Let it GO” over and over. He was referring to all of the things that don’t benefit you such as people who don’t treat you right, thoughts of evil and revenge, and even being involved in a wrong relationship. My God, if I could just stop trying to be a preacher, I could just mind my business and make sure I am keeping my life and heart clean. How do I know when to turn my ears off and let the cries fall on deaf ears? I just think that there has to be a middle ground, why do I feel like I can save someone who doesn’t want to be saved? If I don’t stop this, the detriment will throw a wrench in my plan of living a totally fulfilling life.
The biggest turn off for me is someone who does not keep their word. A man is nothing without his word, this is a principle I was raised up on and totally believe. That means that all the money you have, all the designer clothes, fancy cars, shoes, mansions you own, etc mean nothing to me without it. If someone tells me they are going to do something, be somewhere, or pretty much promise me anything, I expect just that. If you do not do what you say you are going to do then you just simply can’t be trusted, flat out. Also, I have to question the respect that a person has for me that feels it’s appropriate to go back on what they initially promised. Does this mean that I’m not important enough? Am I not a priority? People are walking disappointments but guess what they can walk right out of my life, or I can walk out on them. I can decide and it’s just that simple. I feel like nowadays, especially in my romantic endeavors, people aren’t willing to pay what they weigh so basically they are more trouble than what they are worth. I can’t have that and it’s a bad reflection upon me when I am letting these folks linger in my life. I certainly can’t know my worth if I am willing to allow people in my life to defy my trust by falling back on their word. I deserve reciprocity. Be who you say you are, do what you say you are going to do.
So really, my three main points may not seem like they play into my attitude, but they do. These are factors and happenings that have altered my perception on life and my ability to just live, so to speak. I have some serious work to do but I think that the most important thing I have to do is just to listen to my heart. My natural instinct is sometimes muted by my ego and I vow to work on that. I don’t want to lose myself by letting the world taint my being. It’s time to get back to ME.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.