Failure To Define

  
I used to have this thing where I needed to define all relationships in my life, every single person’s role had to be clearly defined. I have always felt this way and I believe it’s because I have a problem with control. I need to be able to have some sort of control in regards to those who are in my life, why they are in my life, what their intentions are and what possibilities for growth the relationship or friendship has. This may sound crazy to most but for me, control is closely related to protecting myself. If I know the intent of everyone that I allow to enter and reside in my life then I can reduce the risks of being hurt right? This has literally been my logic for as long as I can remember but a more recent relationship has me questioning philosophy.

Is it realistic to think that I am capable of always discerning why someone is in my life? I believe in a higher power and sometimes that higher power may not reveal why someone has showed up immediately. This means that me being a control freak may have caused me to close the door on people who I was supposed to let in. What have I done to myself due to fear of being vulnerable? Currently, there is at least one undefined relationship that I am involved in and according to my prior beliefs, the risks are too high and it should have been ended a long time. But, I cannot do that. Every moment with this person is nearly perfect, so it’s worth the risk. It’s worth the relinquished control. As a matter of fact, when I start to over think things, I am the one who makes things weird and I make myself the culprit. 

I have called myself to action. It is time for me to examine all of these internal rules and philosophies that I have created for myself. Is it just a bunch of bullshit that has hindered me from opportunities? The older I get the less I care about what anyone thinks and honestly I am most haunted when I try to live by what I think is “supposed” to be. Things are just better when I live in the what “is”. I am going to take the relationship for what it is as long as it continues to grow and it continues to make me feel happy. I am choosing to take a risk and to be vulnerable at the same time. No reward comes without the risk right? 

“When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness” – Nicole Kidman 

Hopefully you don’t think I’m a nut job!  

-M 

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Keep Rollin’

  
It was really all good just a few weeks ago. I was feeling like I was on top of the world and that I could climb the highest mountain. But something changed, something happened. I applied for an opportunity that I was confident that I could obtain, I really thought I had it in the bag and so did my support system. But even with all signs pointing towards yes, I was turned down. I had to endure what we are all afraid of, rejection. Ugh, it gives me the shakes just thinking about it and I’m embarrassed to even open up about it at the same time. I’ve been feeling like a wounded soldier back from war, disoriented, not sure what to do next. I even think that my physical state was impacted by what I was going through mentally after being told that I could not have what I felt like I was entitled to and working towards for literally years. I’ve been trying to build myself up through reading motivational quotes, scriptures, mediation, and my final step is sharing this post.

Rejection or the act of rejecting is defined by Webster’s dictionary as to refuse to have, take, or recognize and furthermore to discard as useless or unsatisfactory. WOW, right? Dang. No wonder we hesitate to do some things merely due to the risk of being rejected. Who wants to feel useless or unsatisfactory? Sheesh. Rejection stops us from applying for that job, asking someone out on a date, asking for a promotion, etc on and on. It just stops us…and it shouldn’t. Rejection doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t worthy but perhaps that we aren’t meant to do what we are requesting or what we are seeking isn’t truly right for us. 

The way that I have been able to overcome the rejection blues is to believe that I was going after something that was not right for me right now. I simply turned down the wrong road on my journey and now I just have to turn back around and get back on the right road. I mean I get lost and led astray by Siri every other day so this shouldn’t be any different, right? I am not really sure where I’m supposed to be headed but I do know that I’m still rolling and I’m not looking back, I won’t look back. We must understand that rejection is a part of the journey, it’s inevitable and life goes on after it occurs. I have made a vow to myself that I will not make the mistake of giving the negative aspects of rejection all of the power. I will be rejected with grace and extract the positive outcomes for my own personal growth. 

“Close doors. Rejections. They do not decide your fate. They simply redirect your course. You must keep moving because life’s detours can also be meaningful.” – Dodinksy 

Respect the Journey. 

-M