I sleep like a newborn baby with a belly full of milk these days; peaceful with a clear mind. I do not take this for granted. At one point in my life, I could not sleep. I would have to be medicated to be able to catch some zzz’s. I would have to pop a sleep aid or guzzle a glass of wine. I have just recently been reminiscing about those sleepless nights in trying to fully gain an understanding of what changed. Ya see, sometimes we forget that a storm even occurred after the rain dries and the sun overcomes the clouds. At night, things are quiet, dark, even sometimes mysterious; just you and your thoughts. Even if you’re in bed or on the couch with someone else, you still have to lay down with yourself. You have to confront your thoughts and settle them, allowing rest.
There was a point in my life where I was not being one hundred percent authentic. I was just this lost girl who cared too much about perception. This girl that didn’t love herself enough. This girl that didn’t see herself as a queen. I was overly meticulous in everything that I did because I was so worried about how I would seem to others or what it would do to my overall image. I had a persona to uphold and what I was trying to uphold was less than the true me. So when it was time for me to turn off the lights and go to sleep, I would have an ongoing battle in my head: real Mila vs the one who cared about how she was perceived. This battle would go on for hours. It was me overanalyzing everything, caring too much, being stressed because I was living too far outside of my true self.
Fast forwarding to today, we arrive at the Mila that sleeps as soon as the room gets dark. I can only find one major difference between now and who I was then. Today, I am unapologetically me. I mismatch my clothes, I wear weave, my brows aren’t always perfect, my toes are ugly, I misspell things, I trip over my own feet, I cut people off sometimes when they speak, I’m compulsive, and the list goes on. But guess what? I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to explain to anyone. I am truly me. I love myself and I am true to myself. I’m an open book, so to speak. When I lay down at night, there is no longer a battle that occurs. I’m free from the war of me, the chains of perception that kept me sleepless.
The icing on the cake is that when I started to be myself, unapologetically, I felt a warmer embrace from others. I began to walk with my head just a little bit higher. My confidence grew just a little bit more. I became stronger as I walked in alignment with my truths.
“To Thine Own Self Be True” – Shakespeare
Hmmm, I think that quote may be my next tattoo.