Unapologetic 


I sleep like a newborn baby with a belly full of milk these days; peaceful with a clear mind. I do not take this for granted. At one point in my life, I could not sleep. I would have to be medicated to be able to catch some zzz’s. I would have to pop a sleep aid or guzzle a glass of wine. I have just recently been reminiscing about those sleepless nights in trying to fully gain an understanding of what changed. Ya see, sometimes we forget that a storm even occurred after the rain dries and the sun overcomes the clouds. At night, things are quiet, dark, even sometimes mysterious; just you and your thoughts. Even if you’re in bed or on the couch with someone else, you still have to lay down with yourself. You have to confront your thoughts and settle them, allowing rest.

There was a point in my life where I was not being one hundred percent authentic. I was just this lost girl who cared too much about perception. This girl that didn’t love herself enough. This girl that didn’t see herself as a queen. I was overly meticulous in everything that I did because I was so worried about how I would seem to others or what it would do to my overall image. I had a persona to uphold and what I was trying to uphold was less than the true me. So when it was time for me to turn off the lights and go to sleep, I would have an ongoing battle in my head: real Mila vs the one who cared about how she was perceived. This battle would go on for hours. It was me overanalyzing everything, caring too much, being stressed because I was living too far outside of my true self.

Fast forwarding to today, we arrive at the Mila that sleeps as soon as the room gets dark. I can only find one major difference between now and who I was then. Today, I am unapologetically me. I mismatch my clothes, I wear weave, my brows aren’t always perfect, my toes are ugly, I misspell things, I trip over my own feet, I cut people off sometimes when they speak, I’m compulsive, and the list goes on. But guess what? I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to explain to anyone. I am truly me. I love myself and I am true to myself. I’m an open book, so to speak. When I lay down at night, there is no longer a battle that occurs. I’m free from the war of me, the chains of perception that kept me sleepless.

The icing on the cake is that when I started to be myself, unapologetically, I felt a warmer embrace from others. I began to walk with my head just a little bit higher. My confidence grew just a little bit more. I became stronger as I walked in alignment with my truths.

“To Thine Own Self Be True” – Shakespeare

Hmmm, I think that quote may be my next tattoo.

Much love,

-M

 

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Tug of War

Tug

I should be using these keystrokes to do homework but I just can’t. My brain and emotions have been on one thousand these last few days, it’s like my heart and head are in two different chapters of my book of life. I am vowing to get them on one accord in the most expedient manner because I have some hurdles to jump in these next few weeks of my marathon like life. Honestly, I think that I am in mourning for the friendships and things that I must leave behind. Leaving these things behind is what’s best for me but it also means that I have to hop up outta my comfort zone once again and travel into the unknown. I know my worth and need to keep walking like I’m talking; toward my purpose. I have been boastful and sure of myself in my past posts and it’s because I know that I am destined for greatness. I am sensitive and share all of me when I do dive into a new friendship or romantic endeavor so I’m thinking I need to be more cautious when it comes to choosing what I am going to embark upon. I am going to try to decipher between what my hearts says and what my head says in order to clear my head and move on to the next leg.

Heart

I am a moonchild, this means that I am extremely sensitive and have an emotional reaction to damn near everything. There are ups and downs that come with this trait but for the most part, I think it aids in living a more pure life. I am able to connect on a higher level with people because I am able to feel vibes that it seems like others aren’t willing to tap into or that they just simply ignore. I can gauge within the first few minutes of meeting someone if our spirits should mingle or not. I can also measure how organic my interactions are with others. This gets me into trouble sometimes because I see the spirit and not the person that it’s inside of. A person’s actions don’t always match their goodness. Until that person realizes that they have the beauty and power within them, they can be harmful to me as they are living outside of their purpose. I may or may not have some folks in my life like this; my heart does not want to let them go. The fact is some people never own up to their purpose, this is something that I cannot let myself believe.

Head

No matter what’s going on there’s this background music in my head that sings to me, it tells me that I am worthy, I am amazing, I am strong, I am determined, I can do it, Keep Going Mila. In my head I know everything no like literally I do and if I don’t I will find out. This is literally how sure I am of myself. I have always been that annoying “know-it-all”. This has presented some issues for me and I am working on being more open because let’s be honest, that is such an unattractive trait. Although it seems extreme, this attitude is what has gotten me to where I am today. My triumphs and accomplishments are due to this crazy brain of mine and its ability to keep me organized in the midst of complete chaos. There’s this sistah in my head that tells me, “Girl you are better than that, LET IT GO, WALK AWAY”. She goes on to tell me that I will get better if I just believe, she’s powered by all of those Bible scriptures I read growing up in the church and all of those Maya Angelou quotes that I adore.

So why can’t there be a median? Or is there? It always seems like a tug of war between the head and heart, I have no idea which anatomic part will win. Am I the only one who has this bought going on?

Holla if ya hear me,

-M

Nice Girls Finish Last

June has been super-duper rough and my stars just don’t seem to be aligned. I have a goal of making at least two posts per month and it’s been a struggle, writer’s block has been tackling me like some big musty football player. I popped Brandy’s Full Moon CD from 2002 in my PC and it’s providing some relief so I’m going with it. I’ve decided just to rant in hopes that someone can relate to a sistah.

Last Place – Okay so on the race to finding something constant with the opposite sex, I’m for sure a turtle. The age old saying is that nice guys finish last but the girls are back here too. I’m last in the race but I don’t see any nice guys back here with me, hmmm I’m confused. I can literally stroke these keys to say that I always have my friends and acquaintances best interests at heart in every action that I take. My eyes start to water from the bottom as I then type that I feel as though this is not always reciprocated. The thing is that these people who don’t love me the same aren’t the bearers of my blessings so I will continue being who I am no matter how many battle wounds it gives. Those who take advantage of my kindness or generosity and even assume that I am weak because of it will have something greater to answer to than a confrontation from me. I just expect someone to be genuine, circumstances are relative.

Not so Casual – So I’m beginning to eat my words. I thought I could play the game where I really didn’t “care” or commit. But I do freaking care, I care too much and often times about the wrong people. Now being who I am, why on God’s green earth would I ever get the idea that I could take the emotion out of anything? I literally had a roster of guys who I was entertaining and I had to lay them off. I just can’t. I want attention when I want it and there’s a problem when no one on the team is available. Like really? And on top of that, some of the other people on their rosters aren’t on my level so then it makes me seem less than what I am, at least in my mind. So committing to not commit was really turning out to being me selling myself short. I have worked waaaaay too hard to build myself up and realize how much worth I encompass to settle. My team has been laid off and I am back to being a loner for now. I’ll just let serendipity do its thang!

It’s my Anniversary – Ummm so my birthday is in about twenty days and I can’t think of any major accomplishments that I want to brag about. I can say that I survived and kicked my adversities in the donkey. I can say that my faith was tested and I passed. I had some cloudy days and times but my faith in sunshine got me through. My support system never ceases to amaze me, I have people that speak so highly of me and all I am doing is being me so I’m often baffled on top of being flattered by their opinions. I can say that if there aren’t people like that in your life, you need to march your behind back to square one. I will take the year and thank it for the beautiful memories and amazing triumphs and tests of my forever growing faith and courage.

Goals are Wiggly – One day I think I know exactly what I want to do and then the next I’m so confused. This month alone, I wanted to go to flight attendant school, move to Philadelphia in pursuit of a fashion job, move to Atlanta to escalate with my current job, and quit my job and live with my parents to write a book. There is not a day that goes by that I am not dreaming. I thank God for this ability, I am seeing it as more of a talent than anything else as I encounter people who don’t have goals and are content. I don’t understand what life is without goals as I have had them since I learned how to write. I love to dream, it literally keeps me young. I will not stop making leaps toward what I want, I will land on the lily pad that’s meant for me soon enough. My goals may wiggle but I think it works for me; I just had an epiphany writing this. Any movement is better than no movement at all.

Secretly Steve
– What most people don’t know about me is that I used to be an extremely shy person like extreeeeeemely. Once I was around a bunch of outgoing people, I learned how to speak up and that closed mouths don’t get fed. Being quiet and passive literally gets you nothing but stepped on. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I clam up but I now have an inner lion that tells me to buck up. Okay so I may have learned to become more outspoken but I’m still secretly Steven Q. Urkel. I still have sweaty palms and almost swallow my tongue in social settings, especially if it’s a new enviornment to me altogether. The trouble with this plight is that no one believes this to be true, I guess I have the whole fake it to you make it thing down packed. I just want to cry about the fact that it takes me so much more than the “normal” person to do new things and meet new people and then I will be fine. I think I experience some sort of apprehension daily but I will not stop overcoming my fears because I have a good success rate for favorable outcomes.

Full Plate – I just don’t know how to exist without having my plate full of things to do. I think I am my best when I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I like to prove to myself that I can handle a lot and I don’t feel accomplished until I’m exhausted. My ideal way to live right now is to have two jobs and while exceling as a full-time student. I feel like I’m playing catch up after being side tracked for several years and anything less than overdrive makes me feel inadequate. I’m not sure if this is a flaw or what but some guy did once tell me that “two jobs is for two people”. That guy doesn’t pay my bills or buy me new purses and shoes so I don’t think he knew what he was talking about. Ahhhhh, I don’t know but I just really don’t feel like I deserve to lay on the couch like a bump on a log until I can say that my blurry dreams are in fact reality. Am I trippin’ or just determined?

Well my friends, the random rant is over, I hope you enjoyed this dose of me.

Your favorite turtle,

-M

I AM NOT MY HAIR

hair

H-A-I-R. Hair. Defined by Webster’s Dictionary as any of the numerous fine, usually cylindrical, keratinous filaments growing from the skin of humans and animals. Hair is a multi-billion dollar business from products such as shampoo and conditioner to the actual purchase of hair such as tracks or clip ins. You’re probably wondering why in the hell I’m talking about hair huh? For many of us women, its defines our style and can be referred to as our crown in a sense. If I am having a bad hair day, I will for sure have a bad day in general and probably will be dressed in something frumpy and unbecoming. I alter my style of clothing to go along with my hair. It is quite ridiculous sometimes and I’m embarrassed. Why can’t I be like the wonderful India Arie who professed to the world through song that she was not her hair and that it didn’t define her? Simple, influence. I feel like I’m less beautiful when my locks aren’t up to par.

Now let’s talk about why I should NOT be like this…simply put, there was a point in time when I had not one hair on my head. Yes, the poison called chemotherapy wiped it out. I tried to hold on to my hair as long as I could and even stopped combing it, just letting it sit there on top of my head. I can remember it like yesterday; I finally took a shower and got up the gusto to shampoo it. My hair just came out strand by strand in my hands. The experience was by far one of the most traumatizing things for me to go through. From the loss of my hair, I learned to adapt and probably had nearly a hundred head scarves, wraps, and hats. I didn’t want to freak myself or my friends and family out so I always kept my dome covered. After my hair began to grow back, I often wore it braided and then moved on to wearing weaves, something I swore I would never do before I went bald.

I am a woman of different hair styles and usually change it up every few months. Even years later, I am very uncomfortable with my natural hair because it just doesn’t seem like it will ever be the same as it was before it fell out. I share my private hair struggle to make the point that we are often fixated on superficial things that we shouldn’t be. Over the past year or so, I have been making big strides towards accepting my “new hair”. Don’t get it twisted, women and men should take pride in how they look and grooming is essential but where do we draw the line? I have seen women be bashed for not having the most expensive hair weave or even having thinner hair than the average girl. It’s disheartening and I think we all need to check ourselves sometimes. Look in the mirror, you aren’t perfect but you are magnificent and beautiful.

Below I’ll share India Arie’s video that I mentioned earlier, its very inspirational.

I am not my hair. I am not my skin. I am not your expectation.

-M