Release

Last weekend, I cleaned out my jewelry boxes and threw away some earrings amongst other things. I zoned out for a minute as I stared at them and remembered the Shemila that picked them out. She’s not the same Shemila that I am today. Even though I am diligent about purging every six months or so, these earrings that I bought on my first trip to Atlanta roughly six years ago were still amongst my things. I was holding on to them. I believe it was deeper than just the earrings though, they were a piece of the old Shemila that I didn’t want to let go. My choice to finally throw them away this time around, left me feeling empowered. Yes, there is empowerment in purging, empowerment in letting go. Letting go of things is symbolic of accepting the new, in my opinion. Why was I holding on to some big ole Basketball Wives looking earrings that I bought in Atlantic Station? Why?
Letting go is an art that we are sometimes too slow to perform. I feel as though we must let go so that our hands are free to hold on to what’s to come, the new, the unknown.

Be an artist, purge.
-M

 

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Going Tribal

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I am constantly making discoveries, finding out more about myself and then gaining confirmation from unconventional places. I cannot believe it’s time to wrap up another year though, crazy. I feel like I was just sharing my last day of the year experience for 2015. Lately pop culture has embraced this thing where you find your tribe, your squad, your people or whatever you want to call it. There are bracelets, T-shirts, beanies, all types of paraphernalia that can be used once you realize what tribe you belong to and want to rep your set. This week, I conform. I know what tribe I belong to and furthermore have turned it into a goal for myself for a new year.

I am a doer, a go-getter, I make it happen. I don’t talk about what I need to do; I put an action plan together and get moving. My favorite affirmation was stolen from a Martin episode. “Ain’t nothing to it but to do it”, it was Season 3, Episode 16 to be exact.  This term is also defined in the Urban Dictionary as a statement of raw simplicity, implying that all it takes is hard, not necessarily intelligent, work and effort. But anyways, that affirmation is something that I always use because really an idea/desire is just that until you get off your ass and make it happen. When I look up and examine my circle of friends as of late, the vast majority of them are a part of this tribe. They are all very different people but when I look at them individually, everyone is doing something to be better, to find happiness, to reach what they consider to be their “end game”.  And for a lack of a better term, “That’s Dope!”

I think that since I found my worth and grew my confidence over the past three to four years, I have been fighting the fact that being around people who are not in my tribe is a detriment to me. In my opinion, it is not okay to make excuses and then use them as crutches. It is not okay to want a pat on the back for doing what you are supposed to be doing. It IS okay to lay down in bed most nights knowing that you did all you could in that day to be great and even grow into being a better person, fighting for your dreams. Maybe I am being a B-word about this but I feel like that is how I come off sometimes when I am trying to get where I want to be and work on myself. That’s fine. My goal is to finally severe those ties binding me to anyone who isn’t a part of my tribe.

Say Goodbye to Mediocrity in 2017. Find your tribe, love them hard.

-M

Comfortable for What?

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Shake, Wobble, Jiggle. Unsteady. Less Control. Ummm like some J-E-L-L-O, that’s how I feel right now. We are on the brink of a season change again, those make me nervous. Since my name is secretly Shemila Stacks, I have decided to gather my nuts all winter like a squirrel. I don’t know, it’s just the hustle in me. This alteration from being so laxed during the summer has gotten me so uneasy. I made the conscious decision to get back to a double work life but then I am resisting at the same time. Silly me.  I am addicted to being uncomfortable, pushing myself to the limit, feeding my creativity, and just living with some aspects of my life being unknown. Predictable is boring, and that I am not! Do I sound crazy yet?  I am just a little nervous about the sacrifices I will have to make in my social and personal life, with special focus on my relationship but guess what? I am still going to jump!

As the season changes, it’s time to think about those goals we need to wrap up for the end of the year. My stretch goal is to be skinny and rich. Not in a literal sense though. Being skinny means feeling amazing in my skin and constantly working on being fit and fine. Pushing myself physically in a progressive way every chance that I get and fueling myself with the right things! Ya know, caring about my body since its my temple. Being rich isn’t all about the moolah or extrinsic things, it’s about having meaningful friendships, shoulders I can cry on and most importantly maintaining my inner peace in the chaotic world I insist on creating for myself. All those cliché things that people say about the little things counting the most, well they are true. I have been practicing giving gratitude every morning and night and am excited to increase this as we enter the season of hot cider, warm sweaters, hay rides, thankfulness, and celebrations with family.

I can honestly say that I am happy about life; I am excited about my journey and cannot wait to make new goals for the new year that will be here before we know it. I may sound like I am little off my rocker but I am not afraid to do whatever I feel necessary on my pursuit to happiness. What are you doing to fight for or maintain your happy? How many times have you hopped up out of that comfort zone for what you want? Like some times you have to do that crazy Kangaroo jump not even knowing where the hell you will land.

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.”

Much love,

-M

 

Unapologetic 


I sleep like a newborn baby with a belly full of milk these days; peaceful with a clear mind. I do not take this for granted. At one point in my life, I could not sleep. I would have to be medicated to be able to catch some zzz’s. I would have to pop a sleep aid or guzzle a glass of wine. I have just recently been reminiscing about those sleepless nights in trying to fully gain an understanding of what changed. Ya see, sometimes we forget that a storm even occurred after the rain dries and the sun overcomes the clouds. At night, things are quiet, dark, even sometimes mysterious; just you and your thoughts. Even if you’re in bed or on the couch with someone else, you still have to lay down with yourself. You have to confront your thoughts and settle them, allowing rest.

There was a point in my life where I was not being one hundred percent authentic. I was just this lost girl who cared too much about perception. This girl that didn’t love herself enough. This girl that didn’t see herself as a queen. I was overly meticulous in everything that I did because I was so worried about how I would seem to others or what it would do to my overall image. I had a persona to uphold and what I was trying to uphold was less than the true me. So when it was time for me to turn off the lights and go to sleep, I would have an ongoing battle in my head: real Mila vs the one who cared about how she was perceived. This battle would go on for hours. It was me overanalyzing everything, caring too much, being stressed because I was living too far outside of my true self.

Fast forwarding to today, we arrive at the Mila that sleeps as soon as the room gets dark. I can only find one major difference between now and who I was then. Today, I am unapologetically me. I mismatch my clothes, I wear weave, my brows aren’t always perfect, my toes are ugly, I misspell things, I trip over my own feet, I cut people off sometimes when they speak, I’m compulsive, and the list goes on. But guess what? I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to explain to anyone. I am truly me. I love myself and I am true to myself. I’m an open book, so to speak. When I lay down at night, there is no longer a battle that occurs. I’m free from the war of me, the chains of perception that kept me sleepless.

The icing on the cake is that when I started to be myself, unapologetically, I felt a warmer embrace from others. I began to walk with my head just a little bit higher. My confidence grew just a little bit more. I became stronger as I walked in alignment with my truths.

“To Thine Own Self Be True” – Shakespeare

Hmmm, I think that quote may be my next tattoo.

Much love,

-M

 

Mila Rants…Again

I have been going back and forth with myself regarding my next blog post and what I wanted to write about and everything just seemed like it had a negative undertone. Right now, in this very moment, I do not feel centered. I am just going to sound off about some things that I feel may be bothering me due to my own selfish craving to gain my balance.

Follow The Leader

Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. Yes, I get this term, I know why it exists…blahzay blah but right now I feel like society is living backwards, there is an overabundance of followers and no leaders. We are on our way to hell in a hand basket. It’s disgusting, I feel like I encounter individuals on a daily basis who are too afraid to form their own opinion and they are literally waiting on the some girl on Facebook they haven’t talked to since high school to form it for them through her latest status update or post or whatever they are being called these days. Makes me want to gag, like seriously. I am one to march to the beat of my drum, even with no sticks. It has gotten me made fun of amongst many other things but at least I know who I am and how I feel, on my own. My goodness, wake up people. This goes across all generations, unfortunate. Didn’t your parents ever ask if that annoying ass question about jumping off the bridge with your friends? I guess not because I am convinced that a notable amount of today’s population would dive right on off that bridge with their homies. Our news is someone’s 140 character tweet, we should be ashamed. With an infinite amount of resources, there is no excuse. I mean I am talking from political views to what shoes to buy, no one thinks for themselves anymore. We live in a world full of clones, chameleons, and “Single White Females”. Bring originality back to life!

Yo Problems Aren’t Mine

As a human being who is out here trying to get it, I have issues. Now some of these issues that I have are petty like what nail color I should get the next time I got to the nail salon and some of them are life changing like choosing a career path and deciding who I want to be in society. We all have problems: big, small, medium, super-sized, whatever. But here is where I get bothered; I shouldn’t have to be smothered with your problems as an innocent bystander, co-coworker, stranger standing in the checkout out lane at the grocery store. Keep that shit to yourself, be more private. Quit posting snippets on Facebook or having conversations about it so loud that me, Tom, Dick, Harry and all of us can overhear. The bagger doesn’t want to hear about your husband and his girlfriend, save the drama for yo mama. Yes, we all have an off day where something crazy as eff happens and we have no choice but to interject some drama on some oblivious bystander but those should be moments that are few and far between. Tact, have some. I don’t want my ears beat up every day with someone else’s drama when I’m trying to read Bible scriptures, devotions, and quotes from Pinterest to get through mine. Goodness.

Fear of Flying

Fear is the enemy, the grim reaper, dude from Scream with the white mask on, like all of that. And I know this through and through but I keep on falling victim to it and oh not just me, people around me too! It pisses me off because right now its impacting every single aspect of my life. I have amazing things going on in my life but I am letting fear holding me back from taking some of those things to the next level. Just this week, I received some amazing news and fear has me afraid to fully bask in this news that is literally going to alter my life. I am fighting this battle every moment of every day. Fear will have you over thinking; it will have you doubting yourself, questioning your faith. It will have you in the same unhealthy relationships for years, same ole job you hate; it will even stop you from being happy, grasping success. Ugh, just so much. I won’t stop the fight; I just get a little irritated with myself for taking the victim role when it comes to fear itself. Fate loves the fearless, that’s real. Anything accomplishment worth mentioning occurred when I decided to beat fears ass!

I’m done ranting for now; I’m about to go and hug babies, run through a field of sunflowers, bake cookies or something to get back to a happy place.

“A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.” – African Proverb

-M

Failure To Define

  
I used to have this thing where I needed to define all relationships in my life, every single person’s role had to be clearly defined. I have always felt this way and I believe it’s because I have a problem with control. I need to be able to have some sort of control in regards to those who are in my life, why they are in my life, what their intentions are and what possibilities for growth the relationship or friendship has. This may sound crazy to most but for me, control is closely related to protecting myself. If I know the intent of everyone that I allow to enter and reside in my life then I can reduce the risks of being hurt right? This has literally been my logic for as long as I can remember but a more recent relationship has me questioning philosophy.

Is it realistic to think that I am capable of always discerning why someone is in my life? I believe in a higher power and sometimes that higher power may not reveal why someone has showed up immediately. This means that me being a control freak may have caused me to close the door on people who I was supposed to let in. What have I done to myself due to fear of being vulnerable? Currently, there is at least one undefined relationship that I am involved in and according to my prior beliefs, the risks are too high and it should have been ended a long time. But, I cannot do that. Every moment with this person is nearly perfect, so it’s worth the risk. It’s worth the relinquished control. As a matter of fact, when I start to over think things, I am the one who makes things weird and I make myself the culprit. 

I have called myself to action. It is time for me to examine all of these internal rules and philosophies that I have created for myself. Is it just a bunch of bullshit that has hindered me from opportunities? The older I get the less I care about what anyone thinks and honestly I am most haunted when I try to live by what I think is “supposed” to be. Things are just better when I live in the what “is”. I am going to take the relationship for what it is as long as it continues to grow and it continues to make me feel happy. I am choosing to take a risk and to be vulnerable at the same time. No reward comes without the risk right? 

“When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness” – Nicole Kidman 

Hopefully you don’t think I’m a nut job!  

-M 

Keep Rollin’

  
It was really all good just a few weeks ago. I was feeling like I was on top of the world and that I could climb the highest mountain. But something changed, something happened. I applied for an opportunity that I was confident that I could obtain, I really thought I had it in the bag and so did my support system. But even with all signs pointing towards yes, I was turned down. I had to endure what we are all afraid of, rejection. Ugh, it gives me the shakes just thinking about it and I’m embarrassed to even open up about it at the same time. I’ve been feeling like a wounded soldier back from war, disoriented, not sure what to do next. I even think that my physical state was impacted by what I was going through mentally after being told that I could not have what I felt like I was entitled to and working towards for literally years. I’ve been trying to build myself up through reading motivational quotes, scriptures, mediation, and my final step is sharing this post.

Rejection or the act of rejecting is defined by Webster’s dictionary as to refuse to have, take, or recognize and furthermore to discard as useless or unsatisfactory. WOW, right? Dang. No wonder we hesitate to do some things merely due to the risk of being rejected. Who wants to feel useless or unsatisfactory? Sheesh. Rejection stops us from applying for that job, asking someone out on a date, asking for a promotion, etc on and on. It just stops us…and it shouldn’t. Rejection doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t worthy but perhaps that we aren’t meant to do what we are requesting or what we are seeking isn’t truly right for us. 

The way that I have been able to overcome the rejection blues is to believe that I was going after something that was not right for me right now. I simply turned down the wrong road on my journey and now I just have to turn back around and get back on the right road. I mean I get lost and led astray by Siri every other day so this shouldn’t be any different, right? I am not really sure where I’m supposed to be headed but I do know that I’m still rolling and I’m not looking back, I won’t look back. We must understand that rejection is a part of the journey, it’s inevitable and life goes on after it occurs. I have made a vow to myself that I will not make the mistake of giving the negative aspects of rejection all of the power. I will be rejected with grace and extract the positive outcomes for my own personal growth. 

“Close doors. Rejections. They do not decide your fate. They simply redirect your course. You must keep moving because life’s detours can also be meaningful.” – Dodinksy 

Respect the Journey. 

-M 

Patience to Settle

I really feel like I need a support group. Some place I can go and just talk some things out. I know that there are tons of people who are just like me. Tons of people who are at the brink of making a crazy leap but still have that daunting fear of falling flat on their face. I know I’m always preaching about fate loving fearless beings. So, what the hell is my problem? Right now, I’m working a job that is stunting my growth and I feel like my wings are clipped every time I sit down at my desk. I yearn for a more challenging and thriving environment, one that is conducive to molding my creativity while I am building stronger technical skills. So what am I waiting for? Am I being patient or am I settling? I think that a dissection is necessary for me to try to discern what’s holding me back.

Settling

Do me a favor and Google search, “quotes about settling”. You will be bombarded with tons of quotes that will aid you in empowering yourself to keep moving or to say “No” on your quest to fight for what you want. I think that many people only look at settling in the context of romantic relationships. There is the risk of settling in every aspect of our lives from settling for the potato chips instead demanding from self to do better and hop off the couch and cut up some crunchy veggies to make a healthier option. You can settle with your employer – “Oh, they give me freedom and so much vacation time”. “I have tenure here; I don’t want to start all over again”.

Settling is synonymous with being comfortable. I don’t want to be comfy; I want to be wiggling around, making moves, striving for better, building an empire for myself. How can I do that in the comfort zone? I can’t. This also means I have to extradite people from my life who live in a comfort zone as well. Yes, that’s criminal. How can I thrive with mediocrity all around me? I can’t.

Being Patience

I am one hundred percent sure that patience is my ultimate test. I fail almost on a daily basis and being impatient is why I am not as far as I believe I should be in life. In the past, it has caused me to be unsuccessful in many aspects of my life from financial status to my health and even in friendships/relationships. So right now, where I’m standing, I want to make sure that I make my next move for reasons other than impatience dominating the scenario. I always have a plan but sometimes my impatience causes me to deviate. I have been on track with a career goal that I constructed over a year ago. I have jumped many hurdles that were lined with mini tests of patience but how do I know when to make a major move and that I’m doing it for the right reason? This is why I feel stuck. I feel like this is my biggest test of patience yet and I truly don’t want to fail. Ugh, is that fear sneaking back in? Or am I really supposed to wait?

Now that you can see my plight, it should be more evident as to why I believe that a support group would be beneficial for me. Is there anyone else in this same place as I right now in life? I’m trying to remember my worth, remember what I deserve, and be patient at the same time; a virtual and emotional juggling act for sure.

I’m going to drop this Amelia Earhart quote right here that has been stuck with me this week and drop the mic:

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.”

 Until next time,

-M

Scared of Beautiful

  
On 12/31 at 11:59am, I sat on a pew in some place familiar; the church I was raised in, it was where my second family resided as I was growing up. I was sitting between my sister who has been given that title due to our history and my two favorite people, my niece and my mom. Being in this place in that moment, I could not help but to have flashes of nostalgia followed by thoughts of the future. Everyone is so into making resolutions and really for me, I’m not into that. I have always had goals, from the moment I got my first journal probably around age eight or nine. The goals are in range from very short term like what I want to achieve during the upcoming week to very long term, where I want to be in a year, two years, etc. I have a rough idea of where I want to escalate to in life and I’ve realized that it is not about what I have to do to get there but more about what’s holding me back. What are the fears that are not contributing to my acceleration?
Fate loves the fearless, fate loves the fearless, I literally repeat this to myself on a regular basis. It’s so freaking true. There is this song by Brandy called Scared of Beautiful that basically sums up what I’m trying to convey, the purpose of this post.

Here’s part of the chorus:

No wonder why

There’s no mirrors on these walls no more

You can’t tell me why

You’re so terrified of beautiful

Scared of the good

More than the evil

Scared of the light

More than the dark

Scared of the truth so much more than the lie

I’m scared for me

*sigh* So, can someone be so complacent that they become fearful of the possibilities of being fully happy and fully whole? Are we afraid to relinquish and be vulnerable in order to obtain something that we have been seeking, something that we have never had before? In my day to day interactions I am exposed to people who reside on both sides of the spectrum. I’m acquainted with a woman who took a crazy leap and is happier than she has ever been before. She stepped out on faith, the faith that she could be happier once she stopped settling. On the other end, there is another acquaintance who I am convinced is satisfied with being mediocre even if it means being unhappy because of fear. Can someone be fearful of being happy? Smiling at the little things, just wrapped up in a bubble of bliss? Who doesn’t want that, right? As I get closer and closer to being whole and a more delighted being, I do think about how easily things could tumble down but those thoughts dissipate almost immediately when my mind feels the flutters of my heart.

 So in 2016, I challenge you to relinquish, release, and stop being scared. Raise your hands and surrender, let the negative thoughts roll down your back and welcome the new, the thoughts of excelling, and surprising everyone, even yourself. I do small things almost on a daily basis to push myself and often cry when I achieve these things or complete the associated tasks. Those tears are a mixture of being proud of me for making the action and being disappointed in me for actually entertaining the thought of not making the action that I did.

 If your goals don’t scare you they aren’t big enough but don’t ever let the fear cause hesitation.

 -M

 

 

White Noise

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When the silence isn’t awkward then I know that we vibe. That’s really how I gauge the connection that I have with another being. You ever met a person who just talks because they think that is what they are supposed to do, just using words as fillers and being annoying in a mega way? If you haven’t, then you’re probably that person. I just feel a though your words mean more when you say less. Keeping it simple is really the key for me and all don’t understand that, especially the opposite sex. Recently I was just confronted with the thought of my silence being misinterpreted as disinterest and that is not so. My belief is that when you are vibing with someone, you don’t have to be an investigative reporter, there’s a certain openness and flow of information that occurs because of your excitement of getting to know each other. Am I right or just insane? I’ve had many great connections with men, electric sparks, fireworks, butterflies, etc…you get it but how genuine were these connections if I’m sitting here on the couch in my old lady jammies writing this post?

My word vomit above was really just my twisted way of trying to figure out how you determine when to throw the towel in or when to keep trying to evolve what is just a vibe into something more meaningful.

Is the fact that the silence isn’t awkward enough? Omg, no one ever said that it would be this difficult. What do you do when the signals are mixed? How are mixed signals even defined? Are there even any signals? Is my perception skewed? Do you write a pros versus cons lists or decide to just give up because of the thought of having to question the connection? My answer for now is just to play it by ear, ultimately people will show you how much they care and who they are, further proving my theory that words aren’t always necessary. I will just try to enjoy what is along with a splash of what could be in the back of my brain. Things are cute for now; I just have this embarrassingly weird obsession with assigning everyone in my life a slot or role. I’m sort of like the casting director of my life. Oh, no one else does that? Okay.

My laid by attitude when it comes to males may be the death of me or a one- way ticket to the friend zone every trip.

Actions prove who someone is; words just prove who they want to be.

-M