Mila is Still Ranting

Three years later and I am still ranting. Every January disappoints me. When that clock turns to 12:01am, I am looking for grand things to occur. But guess what? Those things are totally up to me. The clock’s hand turning does not whip my chipped nails into a perfect gel manicure nor does it lighten up the dim and sometimes dank work environment that I must endure. It is up to me to take care of my nails and to bring my own damn sunshine into the office. What a JIP! No one ever says that, where is the magic? Do all of the people making posts and declaring the new year to be theirs and even going on to indicate what will be different in the 12 months to come understand this? That faith without works is dead? Do they get it? Nothing makes me more unsettled than someone making declarations into the universe about what they are going to do only for me to watch them do NOTHING different. And then have the audactity to complain, girrrllllll….OMG, Am I annoying?

Someone once told me that I notice everything. I do! I really do. I’ve had a recurring goal to mind my business but paying attention just comes so naturally to me. I can tell you where all the potholes lie on my way to work, the price of gas on each side of town that I go through during my morning commute, and what everyone was wearing that I encountered on my way to my office, down to their shoes. It is just a part of my DNA makeup or something.  It is hard for other people outside of my tribe to “get me” so why even try? Why, like why?

All in all, January has been an uninspiring month for me. I am ranting rather than putting together a collective thought, uninspired. I started to teach my self how to run and after successfully completing week two, I fell ill and am now off track, uninspired. To put the cherry on the sundae, I had a gym date that left me for dead and didn’t even check on me when I didn’t show up, uninspired. Actually pissed! You give and give and what the hell do you get back? I know, I know, the universe, God and stuff, they give you your rewards back in other ways but dang , sometimes it’s hard to remember that when you are overcome with the instant gratification disease.

Even after saying all of this though, just know that you can’t keep a player down. I am going to be good, this I know! I am strong and independent and my bounce back game is strong. I don’t mind putting in the work and with my new found ability to be patient, I am well-equipped to welcome what the last week of the month has to bring me. January, don’t let me down; let me get these laps in! I have been under a blanket of irritability for the last few days, not going to lie. I think it is because I am upset with myself for breaking my selfish vow. Self is first; I must take care of me. I have learned that the most eye-opening and gratifying parts of my journey are those ones that I experienced alone. Ugh, and my battle with accepting friendships that don’t fully embody reciprocity. Dare I declare the month of February, the month of solitude? I need a reset.

I am not crazy ya’ll, I’m just being honest.

“I am learning to trust the journey, even when I don’t understand it.” – Mila Bron

-M

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No Pollution in Friendshipville

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There are numerous ways to define friendship. I have posted about friendship in the past, from a personal growth standpoint, which is beautiful. It’s a gratifying feeling to know that you are actually gaining something from the interactions you have with the souls you allow in your life. Just within the last seven days, I have been presented with several scenarios that have demanded me to once again, examine what I am allowing and to also wake up and realize that I am my own damn best friend. Nobody has me like me. I believe that in order to stay grounded, sane, on track, and most importantly happy, that I must set boundaries and have standards. What is a life without standards? Acceptance for any and everything? Nah, I know what I am worth so I have the right to reject what doesn’t meet what I feel I deserve. I can only get the rest of this post off by doing a list, Mila style.

I Am No Longer Her

I have been on a thirty three year journey. During this journey, I have met people that have grown to be what I would consider a friend in many forms over several phases and chapters of my life. I’ve met friends on Twitter, at the many jobs I have obtained, at church, at the club, while furthering my education, and so on. I believe that I am not the same Mila that I was last year this time, five years ago, and ten years ago, etc. Like any living organism,  I have grown. Isn’t that the point? I am saying this to say that the friend that I made in high school, may not still be a good fit for me today. That friend may only be able to identify with shy, timid, slow to speak up Mila and be totally unfamiliar with the whirlwind of strength and courage that I am today. That is okay. We have to be woke enough to know when to let the encounters go that we can no longer grow from. I can respect those old friendships for what they were, when they were relevant and conducive to my life at the points that they occurred. But they can be no longer.  A “memory” on Facebook doesn’t always make me want to rekindle, but it makes me realize how much I have grown. Today, I am more focused on friends that can grow with me and respect my hustle, have extensive conversations with me about fashion, politics, current events, relationships, goals and so on.

My Mind is Greater

To expand on the content in my friendships, I must reference this cliché overused quote from the homie Eleanor Roosevelt, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” I would like to think that due to my scholastic endeavors combined with my street smarts that I can consider my mind great. With that being said, it would be a disgrace for me to stoop below greatness to spend time with a friend speaking about someone else in a negative light. Now in the past, I was probably guilty of this. I will admit it. Most of the reason for this occurring was probably due to not realizing the impact it had on my happiness and maintaining my vow to be true to self.  I have recently written a daily affirmation that encompasses that fact that I need to “mind my business”. It is in direct correlation to this point. So if you are a person whose mind isn’t great enough to develop conversation outside of speaking upon another individual, then we cannot be friends.  The cut has probably already been made. There is no longer pollution allowed in my lane. The fine for polluting is a disconnection from me.

Consider Me

It may not be initially discerned by someone upon meeting me, but I am a very accommodating and considerate being. I expect that back. I sure do. When we make plans, I am on time. When I say I am going to do something, I do it. Again, I expect that back. Anything less leaves me insecure in our friendship. If someone feels like I am wrong in wanting to be considered, that means that they are below what I expect. I am not willing to hold a friendship together on my own.

This blog has been sponsored by my last week of life. Putting it in ink holds me accountable.

Much Love,

-M

 

Comfortable for What?

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Shake, Wobble, Jiggle. Unsteady. Less Control. Ummm like some J-E-L-L-O, that’s how I feel right now. We are on the brink of a season change again, those make me nervous. Since my name is secretly Shemila Stacks, I have decided to gather my nuts all winter like a squirrel. I don’t know, it’s just the hustle in me. This alteration from being so laxed during the summer has gotten me so uneasy. I made the conscious decision to get back to a double work life but then I am resisting at the same time. Silly me.  I am addicted to being uncomfortable, pushing myself to the limit, feeding my creativity, and just living with some aspects of my life being unknown. Predictable is boring, and that I am not! Do I sound crazy yet?  I am just a little nervous about the sacrifices I will have to make in my social and personal life, with special focus on my relationship but guess what? I am still going to jump!

As the season changes, it’s time to think about those goals we need to wrap up for the end of the year. My stretch goal is to be skinny and rich. Not in a literal sense though. Being skinny means feeling amazing in my skin and constantly working on being fit and fine. Pushing myself physically in a progressive way every chance that I get and fueling myself with the right things! Ya know, caring about my body since its my temple. Being rich isn’t all about the moolah or extrinsic things, it’s about having meaningful friendships, shoulders I can cry on and most importantly maintaining my inner peace in the chaotic world I insist on creating for myself. All those cliché things that people say about the little things counting the most, well they are true. I have been practicing giving gratitude every morning and night and am excited to increase this as we enter the season of hot cider, warm sweaters, hay rides, thankfulness, and celebrations with family.

I can honestly say that I am happy about life; I am excited about my journey and cannot wait to make new goals for the new year that will be here before we know it. I may sound like I am little off my rocker but I am not afraid to do whatever I feel necessary on my pursuit to happiness. What are you doing to fight for or maintain your happy? How many times have you hopped up out of that comfort zone for what you want? Like some times you have to do that crazy Kangaroo jump not even knowing where the hell you will land.

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.”

Much love,

-M

 

Unapologetic 


I sleep like a newborn baby with a belly full of milk these days; peaceful with a clear mind. I do not take this for granted. At one point in my life, I could not sleep. I would have to be medicated to be able to catch some zzz’s. I would have to pop a sleep aid or guzzle a glass of wine. I have just recently been reminiscing about those sleepless nights in trying to fully gain an understanding of what changed. Ya see, sometimes we forget that a storm even occurred after the rain dries and the sun overcomes the clouds. At night, things are quiet, dark, even sometimes mysterious; just you and your thoughts. Even if you’re in bed or on the couch with someone else, you still have to lay down with yourself. You have to confront your thoughts and settle them, allowing rest.

There was a point in my life where I was not being one hundred percent authentic. I was just this lost girl who cared too much about perception. This girl that didn’t love herself enough. This girl that didn’t see herself as a queen. I was overly meticulous in everything that I did because I was so worried about how I would seem to others or what it would do to my overall image. I had a persona to uphold and what I was trying to uphold was less than the true me. So when it was time for me to turn off the lights and go to sleep, I would have an ongoing battle in my head: real Mila vs the one who cared about how she was perceived. This battle would go on for hours. It was me overanalyzing everything, caring too much, being stressed because I was living too far outside of my true self.

Fast forwarding to today, we arrive at the Mila that sleeps as soon as the room gets dark. I can only find one major difference between now and who I was then. Today, I am unapologetically me. I mismatch my clothes, I wear weave, my brows aren’t always perfect, my toes are ugly, I misspell things, I trip over my own feet, I cut people off sometimes when they speak, I’m compulsive, and the list goes on. But guess what? I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to explain to anyone. I am truly me. I love myself and I am true to myself. I’m an open book, so to speak. When I lay down at night, there is no longer a battle that occurs. I’m free from the war of me, the chains of perception that kept me sleepless.

The icing on the cake is that when I started to be myself, unapologetically, I felt a warmer embrace from others. I began to walk with my head just a little bit higher. My confidence grew just a little bit more. I became stronger as I walked in alignment with my truths.

“To Thine Own Self Be True” – Shakespeare

Hmmm, I think that quote may be my next tattoo.

Much love,

-M

 

That’s What Friends Are For 

  
The depth of a friendship is only as deep as its foundation. Let me break it down with a basic example: if you begin a friendship with someone solely based on your disdain for your co-workers then that is what that friendship is most likely going to be about. When you are with that friend, guess what you are going to talk about? How can this friendship possibly breed positivity or bring out the best in you? A friendship can literally define you, as a person. The other day, I had an epiphany about friendships and it made me begin to re-evaluate every person that I consider a friend. Through this evaluation, there were some pleasant discoveries. I am going to break down how I perceive some of my friendships and how they have helped me evolve into who I am today, consider these to be exhibits. Perhaps they will help you when you are ready to evaluate who is in your life. I feel it is necessary cause honey the non-contributors, they have to go.

 Stage One: Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed

Okay so, we could consider my evolution by thinking of the life cycle of a butterfly. During the beginning stages of my adult life into my early twenties, I would consider myself to be in the egg stage. As an egg, I was unsure of myself and even had low self-esteem. I struggled with understanding my worth and who I was destined to be in society. I would often suppress my natural need to be creative and different in order to “fit in” or not rock the boat so to speak. The real Mila was being suppressed and screaming and inside of that egg dying to be released. During this stage is where I surrounded myself with people, most who I would consider friends, that were completely opposite of me. They were humorous, outgoing, outspoken, and even wild. These were the people who shook that egg, they woke something up within me. After years of struggling with who I was versus who I wanted to be, it would be found that these friends had created a monster. A beautiful one.

Stages Two and Three: You Are Wonderfully Made

During my larve and pupa stages which occurred in my mid to late twenties, I started to own who I really was. During these stages, in addition to the outspoken friends that I had met, I met a few friends who would help me find my confidence. The friends who helped me start actually living like all of those blog posts and nice sounding quotes about self worth that I had been reading. These friends were girls that I thought were drop dead gorgeous and got all the stares from guys and girls alike when we would go out clubbing. They taught me that I was no different than them and would scold me for putting myself down. The friends that were with me during this stage, they were and still are the most valuable. Learning how to build up my confidence was the most important part of my evolution. It was during these stages that I learned that confidence trumps almost everything else when considering attraction. Confidence and knowing what I am worth literally had positive impacts on every aspect of my life from romantic to career. These stages were the most vital part of my evolution.

Stage Four: Hero

Today, I am flying, I am a butterfly. I know that I have come out soaring and am full of color because there are friends in this stage who come to me for advice and encouragement. The friends that I have acquired during this stage may still be considered to be eggs. I feel honored to be able to nurture eggs while still maintaining the friendships of those that I found while evolving or cocooning. Yes, there are days that I feel as though my wings have been clipped but I just remember the evolution and that gives me the ability to soar on.

I can now say that if you are holding on to negative or meaningless friendships, maybe you should reconsider. How can they help you evolve? The sole thing that I consistently give thanks for daily, is the ability to evolve because it’s a beautiful indescribable thing. I am forever indebted to those who were with me during all of my stages and even as the evolution of Mila continues.

“Go and love someone exactly how they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.” – Wes Angelozzi

-M