Mila is Still Ranting

Three years later and I am still ranting. Every January disappoints me. When that clock turns to 12:01am, I am looking for grand things to occur. But guess what? Those things are totally up to me. The clock’s hand turning does not whip my chipped nails into a perfect gel manicure nor does it lighten up the dim and sometimes dank work environment that I must endure. It is up to me to take care of my nails and to bring my own damn sunshine into the office. What a JIP! No one ever says that, where is the magic? Do all of the people making posts and declaring the new year to be theirs and even going on to indicate what will be different in the 12 months to come understand this? That faith without works is dead? Do they get it? Nothing makes me more unsettled than someone making declarations into the universe about what they are going to do only for me to watch them do NOTHING different. And then have the audactity to complain, girrrllllll….OMG, Am I annoying?

Someone once told me that I notice everything. I do! I really do. I’ve had a recurring goal to mind my business but paying attention just comes so naturally to me. I can tell you where all the potholes lie on my way to work, the price of gas on each side of town that I go through during my morning commute, and what everyone was wearing that I encountered on my way to my office, down to their shoes. It is just a part of my DNA makeup or something.  It is hard for other people outside of my tribe to “get me” so why even try? Why, like why?

All in all, January has been an uninspiring month for me. I am ranting rather than putting together a collective thought, uninspired. I started to teach my self how to run and after successfully completing week two, I fell ill and am now off track, uninspired. To put the cherry on the sundae, I had a gym date that left me for dead and didn’t even check on me when I didn’t show up, uninspired. Actually pissed! You give and give and what the hell do you get back? I know, I know, the universe, God and stuff, they give you your rewards back in other ways but dang , sometimes it’s hard to remember that when you are overcome with the instant gratification disease.

Even after saying all of this though, just know that you can’t keep a player down. I am going to be good, this I know! I am strong and independent and my bounce back game is strong. I don’t mind putting in the work and with my new found ability to be patient, I am well-equipped to welcome what the last week of the month has to bring me. January, don’t let me down; let me get these laps in! I have been under a blanket of irritability for the last few days, not going to lie. I think it is because I am upset with myself for breaking my selfish vow. Self is first; I must take care of me. I have learned that the most eye-opening and gratifying parts of my journey are those ones that I experienced alone. Ugh, and my battle with accepting friendships that don’t fully embody reciprocity. Dare I declare the month of February, the month of solitude? I need a reset.

I am not crazy ya’ll, I’m just being honest.

“I am learning to trust the journey, even when I don’t understand it.” – Mila Bron

-M

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No Pollution in Friendshipville

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There are numerous ways to define friendship. I have posted about friendship in the past, from a personal growth standpoint, which is beautiful. It’s a gratifying feeling to know that you are actually gaining something from the interactions you have with the souls you allow in your life. Just within the last seven days, I have been presented with several scenarios that have demanded me to once again, examine what I am allowing and to also wake up and realize that I am my own damn best friend. Nobody has me like me. I believe that in order to stay grounded, sane, on track, and most importantly happy, that I must set boundaries and have standards. What is a life without standards? Acceptance for any and everything? Nah, I know what I am worth so I have the right to reject what doesn’t meet what I feel I deserve. I can only get the rest of this post off by doing a list, Mila style.

I Am No Longer Her

I have been on a thirty three year journey. During this journey, I have met people that have grown to be what I would consider a friend in many forms over several phases and chapters of my life. I’ve met friends on Twitter, at the many jobs I have obtained, at church, at the club, while furthering my education, and so on. I believe that I am not the same Mila that I was last year this time, five years ago, and ten years ago, etc. Like any living organism,  I have grown. Isn’t that the point? I am saying this to say that the friend that I made in high school, may not still be a good fit for me today. That friend may only be able to identify with shy, timid, slow to speak up Mila and be totally unfamiliar with the whirlwind of strength and courage that I am today. That is okay. We have to be woke enough to know when to let the encounters go that we can no longer grow from. I can respect those old friendships for what they were, when they were relevant and conducive to my life at the points that they occurred. But they can be no longer.  A “memory” on Facebook doesn’t always make me want to rekindle, but it makes me realize how much I have grown. Today, I am more focused on friends that can grow with me and respect my hustle, have extensive conversations with me about fashion, politics, current events, relationships, goals and so on.

My Mind is Greater

To expand on the content in my friendships, I must reference this cliché overused quote from the homie Eleanor Roosevelt, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” I would like to think that due to my scholastic endeavors combined with my street smarts that I can consider my mind great. With that being said, it would be a disgrace for me to stoop below greatness to spend time with a friend speaking about someone else in a negative light. Now in the past, I was probably guilty of this. I will admit it. Most of the reason for this occurring was probably due to not realizing the impact it had on my happiness and maintaining my vow to be true to self.  I have recently written a daily affirmation that encompasses that fact that I need to “mind my business”. It is in direct correlation to this point. So if you are a person whose mind isn’t great enough to develop conversation outside of speaking upon another individual, then we cannot be friends.  The cut has probably already been made. There is no longer pollution allowed in my lane. The fine for polluting is a disconnection from me.

Consider Me

It may not be initially discerned by someone upon meeting me, but I am a very accommodating and considerate being. I expect that back. I sure do. When we make plans, I am on time. When I say I am going to do something, I do it. Again, I expect that back. Anything less leaves me insecure in our friendship. If someone feels like I am wrong in wanting to be considered, that means that they are below what I expect. I am not willing to hold a friendship together on my own.

This blog has been sponsored by my last week of life. Putting it in ink holds me accountable.

Much Love,

-M

 

Comfortable for What?

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Shake, Wobble, Jiggle. Unsteady. Less Control. Ummm like some J-E-L-L-O, that’s how I feel right now. We are on the brink of a season change again, those make me nervous. Since my name is secretly Shemila Stacks, I have decided to gather my nuts all winter like a squirrel. I don’t know, it’s just the hustle in me. This alteration from being so laxed during the summer has gotten me so uneasy. I made the conscious decision to get back to a double work life but then I am resisting at the same time. Silly me.  I am addicted to being uncomfortable, pushing myself to the limit, feeding my creativity, and just living with some aspects of my life being unknown. Predictable is boring, and that I am not! Do I sound crazy yet?  I am just a little nervous about the sacrifices I will have to make in my social and personal life, with special focus on my relationship but guess what? I am still going to jump!

As the season changes, it’s time to think about those goals we need to wrap up for the end of the year. My stretch goal is to be skinny and rich. Not in a literal sense though. Being skinny means feeling amazing in my skin and constantly working on being fit and fine. Pushing myself physically in a progressive way every chance that I get and fueling myself with the right things! Ya know, caring about my body since its my temple. Being rich isn’t all about the moolah or extrinsic things, it’s about having meaningful friendships, shoulders I can cry on and most importantly maintaining my inner peace in the chaotic world I insist on creating for myself. All those cliché things that people say about the little things counting the most, well they are true. I have been practicing giving gratitude every morning and night and am excited to increase this as we enter the season of hot cider, warm sweaters, hay rides, thankfulness, and celebrations with family.

I can honestly say that I am happy about life; I am excited about my journey and cannot wait to make new goals for the new year that will be here before we know it. I may sound like I am little off my rocker but I am not afraid to do whatever I feel necessary on my pursuit to happiness. What are you doing to fight for or maintain your happy? How many times have you hopped up out of that comfort zone for what you want? Like some times you have to do that crazy Kangaroo jump not even knowing where the hell you will land.

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.”

Much love,

-M

 

Patience to Settle

I really feel like I need a support group. Some place I can go and just talk some things out. I know that there are tons of people who are just like me. Tons of people who are at the brink of making a crazy leap but still have that daunting fear of falling flat on their face. I know I’m always preaching about fate loving fearless beings. So, what the hell is my problem? Right now, I’m working a job that is stunting my growth and I feel like my wings are clipped every time I sit down at my desk. I yearn for a more challenging and thriving environment, one that is conducive to molding my creativity while I am building stronger technical skills. So what am I waiting for? Am I being patient or am I settling? I think that a dissection is necessary for me to try to discern what’s holding me back.

Settling

Do me a favor and Google search, “quotes about settling”. You will be bombarded with tons of quotes that will aid you in empowering yourself to keep moving or to say “No” on your quest to fight for what you want. I think that many people only look at settling in the context of romantic relationships. There is the risk of settling in every aspect of our lives from settling for the potato chips instead demanding from self to do better and hop off the couch and cut up some crunchy veggies to make a healthier option. You can settle with your employer – “Oh, they give me freedom and so much vacation time”. “I have tenure here; I don’t want to start all over again”.

Settling is synonymous with being comfortable. I don’t want to be comfy; I want to be wiggling around, making moves, striving for better, building an empire for myself. How can I do that in the comfort zone? I can’t. This also means I have to extradite people from my life who live in a comfort zone as well. Yes, that’s criminal. How can I thrive with mediocrity all around me? I can’t.

Being Patience

I am one hundred percent sure that patience is my ultimate test. I fail almost on a daily basis and being impatient is why I am not as far as I believe I should be in life. In the past, it has caused me to be unsuccessful in many aspects of my life from financial status to my health and even in friendships/relationships. So right now, where I’m standing, I want to make sure that I make my next move for reasons other than impatience dominating the scenario. I always have a plan but sometimes my impatience causes me to deviate. I have been on track with a career goal that I constructed over a year ago. I have jumped many hurdles that were lined with mini tests of patience but how do I know when to make a major move and that I’m doing it for the right reason? This is why I feel stuck. I feel like this is my biggest test of patience yet and I truly don’t want to fail. Ugh, is that fear sneaking back in? Or am I really supposed to wait?

Now that you can see my plight, it should be more evident as to why I believe that a support group would be beneficial for me. Is there anyone else in this same place as I right now in life? I’m trying to remember my worth, remember what I deserve, and be patient at the same time; a virtual and emotional juggling act for sure.

I’m going to drop this Amelia Earhart quote right here that has been stuck with me this week and drop the mic:

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.”

 Until next time,

-M