Release

Last weekend, I cleaned out my jewelry boxes and threw away some earrings amongst other things. I zoned out for a minute as I stared at them and remembered the Shemila that picked them out. She’s not the same Shemila that I am today. Even though I am diligent about purging every six months or so, these earrings that I bought on my first trip to Atlanta roughly six years ago were still amongst my things. I was holding on to them. I believe it was deeper than just the earrings though, they were a piece of the old Shemila that I didn’t want to let go. My choice to finally throw them away this time around, left me feeling empowered. Yes, there is empowerment in purging, empowerment in letting go. Letting go of things is symbolic of accepting the new, in my opinion. Why was I holding on to some big ole Basketball Wives looking earrings that I bought in Atlantic Station? Why?
Letting go is an art that we are sometimes too slow to perform. I feel as though we must let go so that our hands are free to hold on to what’s to come, the new, the unknown.

Be an artist, purge.
-M

 

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Mila is Still Ranting

Three years later and I am still ranting. Every January disappoints me. When that clock turns to 12:01am, I am looking for grand things to occur. But guess what? Those things are totally up to me. The clock’s hand turning does not whip my chipped nails into a perfect gel manicure nor does it lighten up the dim and sometimes dank work environment that I must endure. It is up to me to take care of my nails and to bring my own damn sunshine into the office. What a JIP! No one ever says that, where is the magic? Do all of the people making posts and declaring the new year to be theirs and even going on to indicate what will be different in the 12 months to come understand this? That faith without works is dead? Do they get it? Nothing makes me more unsettled than someone making declarations into the universe about what they are going to do only for me to watch them do NOTHING different. And then have the audactity to complain, girrrllllll….OMG, Am I annoying?

Someone once told me that I notice everything. I do! I really do. I’ve had a recurring goal to mind my business but paying attention just comes so naturally to me. I can tell you where all the potholes lie on my way to work, the price of gas on each side of town that I go through during my morning commute, and what everyone was wearing that I encountered on my way to my office, down to their shoes. It is just a part of my DNA makeup or something.  It is hard for other people outside of my tribe to “get me” so why even try? Why, like why?

All in all, January has been an uninspiring month for me. I am ranting rather than putting together a collective thought, uninspired. I started to teach my self how to run and after successfully completing week two, I fell ill and am now off track, uninspired. To put the cherry on the sundae, I had a gym date that left me for dead and didn’t even check on me when I didn’t show up, uninspired. Actually pissed! You give and give and what the hell do you get back? I know, I know, the universe, God and stuff, they give you your rewards back in other ways but dang , sometimes it’s hard to remember that when you are overcome with the instant gratification disease.

Even after saying all of this though, just know that you can’t keep a player down. I am going to be good, this I know! I am strong and independent and my bounce back game is strong. I don’t mind putting in the work and with my new found ability to be patient, I am well-equipped to welcome what the last week of the month has to bring me. January, don’t let me down; let me get these laps in! I have been under a blanket of irritability for the last few days, not going to lie. I think it is because I am upset with myself for breaking my selfish vow. Self is first; I must take care of me. I have learned that the most eye-opening and gratifying parts of my journey are those ones that I experienced alone. Ugh, and my battle with accepting friendships that don’t fully embody reciprocity. Dare I declare the month of February, the month of solitude? I need a reset.

I am not crazy ya’ll, I’m just being honest.

“I am learning to trust the journey, even when I don’t understand it.” – Mila Bron

-M

Going Tribal

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I am constantly making discoveries, finding out more about myself and then gaining confirmation from unconventional places. I cannot believe it’s time to wrap up another year though, crazy. I feel like I was just sharing my last day of the year experience for 2015. Lately pop culture has embraced this thing where you find your tribe, your squad, your people or whatever you want to call it. There are bracelets, T-shirts, beanies, all types of paraphernalia that can be used once you realize what tribe you belong to and want to rep your set. This week, I conform. I know what tribe I belong to and furthermore have turned it into a goal for myself for a new year.

I am a doer, a go-getter, I make it happen. I don’t talk about what I need to do; I put an action plan together and get moving. My favorite affirmation was stolen from a Martin episode. “Ain’t nothing to it but to do it”, it was Season 3, Episode 16 to be exact.  This term is also defined in the Urban Dictionary as a statement of raw simplicity, implying that all it takes is hard, not necessarily intelligent, work and effort. But anyways, that affirmation is something that I always use because really an idea/desire is just that until you get off your ass and make it happen. When I look up and examine my circle of friends as of late, the vast majority of them are a part of this tribe. They are all very different people but when I look at them individually, everyone is doing something to be better, to find happiness, to reach what they consider to be their “end game”.  And for a lack of a better term, “That’s Dope!”

I think that since I found my worth and grew my confidence over the past three to four years, I have been fighting the fact that being around people who are not in my tribe is a detriment to me. In my opinion, it is not okay to make excuses and then use them as crutches. It is not okay to want a pat on the back for doing what you are supposed to be doing. It IS okay to lay down in bed most nights knowing that you did all you could in that day to be great and even grow into being a better person, fighting for your dreams. Maybe I am being a B-word about this but I feel like that is how I come off sometimes when I am trying to get where I want to be and work on myself. That’s fine. My goal is to finally severe those ties binding me to anyone who isn’t a part of my tribe.

Say Goodbye to Mediocrity in 2017. Find your tribe, love them hard.

-M

Unapologetic 


I sleep like a newborn baby with a belly full of milk these days; peaceful with a clear mind. I do not take this for granted. At one point in my life, I could not sleep. I would have to be medicated to be able to catch some zzz’s. I would have to pop a sleep aid or guzzle a glass of wine. I have just recently been reminiscing about those sleepless nights in trying to fully gain an understanding of what changed. Ya see, sometimes we forget that a storm even occurred after the rain dries and the sun overcomes the clouds. At night, things are quiet, dark, even sometimes mysterious; just you and your thoughts. Even if you’re in bed or on the couch with someone else, you still have to lay down with yourself. You have to confront your thoughts and settle them, allowing rest.

There was a point in my life where I was not being one hundred percent authentic. I was just this lost girl who cared too much about perception. This girl that didn’t love herself enough. This girl that didn’t see herself as a queen. I was overly meticulous in everything that I did because I was so worried about how I would seem to others or what it would do to my overall image. I had a persona to uphold and what I was trying to uphold was less than the true me. So when it was time for me to turn off the lights and go to sleep, I would have an ongoing battle in my head: real Mila vs the one who cared about how she was perceived. This battle would go on for hours. It was me overanalyzing everything, caring too much, being stressed because I was living too far outside of my true self.

Fast forwarding to today, we arrive at the Mila that sleeps as soon as the room gets dark. I can only find one major difference between now and who I was then. Today, I am unapologetically me. I mismatch my clothes, I wear weave, my brows aren’t always perfect, my toes are ugly, I misspell things, I trip over my own feet, I cut people off sometimes when they speak, I’m compulsive, and the list goes on. But guess what? I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to explain to anyone. I am truly me. I love myself and I am true to myself. I’m an open book, so to speak. When I lay down at night, there is no longer a battle that occurs. I’m free from the war of me, the chains of perception that kept me sleepless.

The icing on the cake is that when I started to be myself, unapologetically, I felt a warmer embrace from others. I began to walk with my head just a little bit higher. My confidence grew just a little bit more. I became stronger as I walked in alignment with my truths.

“To Thine Own Self Be True” – Shakespeare

Hmmm, I think that quote may be my next tattoo.

Much love,

-M

 

That’s What Friends Are For 

  
The depth of a friendship is only as deep as its foundation. Let me break it down with a basic example: if you begin a friendship with someone solely based on your disdain for your co-workers then that is what that friendship is most likely going to be about. When you are with that friend, guess what you are going to talk about? How can this friendship possibly breed positivity or bring out the best in you? A friendship can literally define you, as a person. The other day, I had an epiphany about friendships and it made me begin to re-evaluate every person that I consider a friend. Through this evaluation, there were some pleasant discoveries. I am going to break down how I perceive some of my friendships and how they have helped me evolve into who I am today, consider these to be exhibits. Perhaps they will help you when you are ready to evaluate who is in your life. I feel it is necessary cause honey the non-contributors, they have to go.

 Stage One: Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed

Okay so, we could consider my evolution by thinking of the life cycle of a butterfly. During the beginning stages of my adult life into my early twenties, I would consider myself to be in the egg stage. As an egg, I was unsure of myself and even had low self-esteem. I struggled with understanding my worth and who I was destined to be in society. I would often suppress my natural need to be creative and different in order to “fit in” or not rock the boat so to speak. The real Mila was being suppressed and screaming and inside of that egg dying to be released. During this stage is where I surrounded myself with people, most who I would consider friends, that were completely opposite of me. They were humorous, outgoing, outspoken, and even wild. These were the people who shook that egg, they woke something up within me. After years of struggling with who I was versus who I wanted to be, it would be found that these friends had created a monster. A beautiful one.

Stages Two and Three: You Are Wonderfully Made

During my larve and pupa stages which occurred in my mid to late twenties, I started to own who I really was. During these stages, in addition to the outspoken friends that I had met, I met a few friends who would help me find my confidence. The friends who helped me start actually living like all of those blog posts and nice sounding quotes about self worth that I had been reading. These friends were girls that I thought were drop dead gorgeous and got all the stares from guys and girls alike when we would go out clubbing. They taught me that I was no different than them and would scold me for putting myself down. The friends that were with me during this stage, they were and still are the most valuable. Learning how to build up my confidence was the most important part of my evolution. It was during these stages that I learned that confidence trumps almost everything else when considering attraction. Confidence and knowing what I am worth literally had positive impacts on every aspect of my life from romantic to career. These stages were the most vital part of my evolution.

Stage Four: Hero

Today, I am flying, I am a butterfly. I know that I have come out soaring and am full of color because there are friends in this stage who come to me for advice and encouragement. The friends that I have acquired during this stage may still be considered to be eggs. I feel honored to be able to nurture eggs while still maintaining the friendships of those that I found while evolving or cocooning. Yes, there are days that I feel as though my wings have been clipped but I just remember the evolution and that gives me the ability to soar on.

I can now say that if you are holding on to negative or meaningless friendships, maybe you should reconsider. How can they help you evolve? The sole thing that I consistently give thanks for daily, is the ability to evolve because it’s a beautiful indescribable thing. I am forever indebted to those who were with me during all of my stages and even as the evolution of Mila continues.

“Go and love someone exactly how they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.” – Wes Angelozzi

-M

Mila Rants…Again

I have been going back and forth with myself regarding my next blog post and what I wanted to write about and everything just seemed like it had a negative undertone. Right now, in this very moment, I do not feel centered. I am just going to sound off about some things that I feel may be bothering me due to my own selfish craving to gain my balance.

Follow The Leader

Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. Yes, I get this term, I know why it exists…blahzay blah but right now I feel like society is living backwards, there is an overabundance of followers and no leaders. We are on our way to hell in a hand basket. It’s disgusting, I feel like I encounter individuals on a daily basis who are too afraid to form their own opinion and they are literally waiting on the some girl on Facebook they haven’t talked to since high school to form it for them through her latest status update or post or whatever they are being called these days. Makes me want to gag, like seriously. I am one to march to the beat of my drum, even with no sticks. It has gotten me made fun of amongst many other things but at least I know who I am and how I feel, on my own. My goodness, wake up people. This goes across all generations, unfortunate. Didn’t your parents ever ask if that annoying ass question about jumping off the bridge with your friends? I guess not because I am convinced that a notable amount of today’s population would dive right on off that bridge with their homies. Our news is someone’s 140 character tweet, we should be ashamed. With an infinite amount of resources, there is no excuse. I mean I am talking from political views to what shoes to buy, no one thinks for themselves anymore. We live in a world full of clones, chameleons, and “Single White Females”. Bring originality back to life!

Yo Problems Aren’t Mine

As a human being who is out here trying to get it, I have issues. Now some of these issues that I have are petty like what nail color I should get the next time I got to the nail salon and some of them are life changing like choosing a career path and deciding who I want to be in society. We all have problems: big, small, medium, super-sized, whatever. But here is where I get bothered; I shouldn’t have to be smothered with your problems as an innocent bystander, co-coworker, stranger standing in the checkout out lane at the grocery store. Keep that shit to yourself, be more private. Quit posting snippets on Facebook or having conversations about it so loud that me, Tom, Dick, Harry and all of us can overhear. The bagger doesn’t want to hear about your husband and his girlfriend, save the drama for yo mama. Yes, we all have an off day where something crazy as eff happens and we have no choice but to interject some drama on some oblivious bystander but those should be moments that are few and far between. Tact, have some. I don’t want my ears beat up every day with someone else’s drama when I’m trying to read Bible scriptures, devotions, and quotes from Pinterest to get through mine. Goodness.

Fear of Flying

Fear is the enemy, the grim reaper, dude from Scream with the white mask on, like all of that. And I know this through and through but I keep on falling victim to it and oh not just me, people around me too! It pisses me off because right now its impacting every single aspect of my life. I have amazing things going on in my life but I am letting fear holding me back from taking some of those things to the next level. Just this week, I received some amazing news and fear has me afraid to fully bask in this news that is literally going to alter my life. I am fighting this battle every moment of every day. Fear will have you over thinking; it will have you doubting yourself, questioning your faith. It will have you in the same unhealthy relationships for years, same ole job you hate; it will even stop you from being happy, grasping success. Ugh, just so much. I won’t stop the fight; I just get a little irritated with myself for taking the victim role when it comes to fear itself. Fate loves the fearless, that’s real. Anything accomplishment worth mentioning occurred when I decided to beat fears ass!

I’m done ranting for now; I’m about to go and hug babies, run through a field of sunflowers, bake cookies or something to get back to a happy place.

“A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.” – African Proverb

-M

Failure To Define

  
I used to have this thing where I needed to define all relationships in my life, every single person’s role had to be clearly defined. I have always felt this way and I believe it’s because I have a problem with control. I need to be able to have some sort of control in regards to those who are in my life, why they are in my life, what their intentions are and what possibilities for growth the relationship or friendship has. This may sound crazy to most but for me, control is closely related to protecting myself. If I know the intent of everyone that I allow to enter and reside in my life then I can reduce the risks of being hurt right? This has literally been my logic for as long as I can remember but a more recent relationship has me questioning philosophy.

Is it realistic to think that I am capable of always discerning why someone is in my life? I believe in a higher power and sometimes that higher power may not reveal why someone has showed up immediately. This means that me being a control freak may have caused me to close the door on people who I was supposed to let in. What have I done to myself due to fear of being vulnerable? Currently, there is at least one undefined relationship that I am involved in and according to my prior beliefs, the risks are too high and it should have been ended a long time. But, I cannot do that. Every moment with this person is nearly perfect, so it’s worth the risk. It’s worth the relinquished control. As a matter of fact, when I start to over think things, I am the one who makes things weird and I make myself the culprit. 

I have called myself to action. It is time for me to examine all of these internal rules and philosophies that I have created for myself. Is it just a bunch of bullshit that has hindered me from opportunities? The older I get the less I care about what anyone thinks and honestly I am most haunted when I try to live by what I think is “supposed” to be. Things are just better when I live in the what “is”. I am going to take the relationship for what it is as long as it continues to grow and it continues to make me feel happy. I am choosing to take a risk and to be vulnerable at the same time. No reward comes without the risk right? 

“When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness” – Nicole Kidman 

Hopefully you don’t think I’m a nut job!  

-M 

Keep Rollin’

  
It was really all good just a few weeks ago. I was feeling like I was on top of the world and that I could climb the highest mountain. But something changed, something happened. I applied for an opportunity that I was confident that I could obtain, I really thought I had it in the bag and so did my support system. But even with all signs pointing towards yes, I was turned down. I had to endure what we are all afraid of, rejection. Ugh, it gives me the shakes just thinking about it and I’m embarrassed to even open up about it at the same time. I’ve been feeling like a wounded soldier back from war, disoriented, not sure what to do next. I even think that my physical state was impacted by what I was going through mentally after being told that I could not have what I felt like I was entitled to and working towards for literally years. I’ve been trying to build myself up through reading motivational quotes, scriptures, mediation, and my final step is sharing this post.

Rejection or the act of rejecting is defined by Webster’s dictionary as to refuse to have, take, or recognize and furthermore to discard as useless or unsatisfactory. WOW, right? Dang. No wonder we hesitate to do some things merely due to the risk of being rejected. Who wants to feel useless or unsatisfactory? Sheesh. Rejection stops us from applying for that job, asking someone out on a date, asking for a promotion, etc on and on. It just stops us…and it shouldn’t. Rejection doesn’t necessarily mean that we aren’t worthy but perhaps that we aren’t meant to do what we are requesting or what we are seeking isn’t truly right for us. 

The way that I have been able to overcome the rejection blues is to believe that I was going after something that was not right for me right now. I simply turned down the wrong road on my journey and now I just have to turn back around and get back on the right road. I mean I get lost and led astray by Siri every other day so this shouldn’t be any different, right? I am not really sure where I’m supposed to be headed but I do know that I’m still rolling and I’m not looking back, I won’t look back. We must understand that rejection is a part of the journey, it’s inevitable and life goes on after it occurs. I have made a vow to myself that I will not make the mistake of giving the negative aspects of rejection all of the power. I will be rejected with grace and extract the positive outcomes for my own personal growth. 

“Close doors. Rejections. They do not decide your fate. They simply redirect your course. You must keep moving because life’s detours can also be meaningful.” – Dodinksy 

Respect the Journey. 

-M 

Keep it Sweet

  
My music choices are too eclectic to understand. No for real, they go from Gucci Mane to Anita Baker. But in the lyrics, I often find the sweetest messages. Where are you going with this Shemila? Is that what you are thinking? Anyways, it’s almost time for that date that you drew a heart around on your calendar, Valentine’s Day. If you know me personally, then you know that for the past X amount of years, I have been observing it as Single’s Awareness Day instead. The tables have turned and there is a lad who is crazy enough to want to share time with me on this day we call a Hallmark hoax when we are single or without a special someone to share it with. Okay back to the point I was making about song lyrics, I heard Chaka Khan’s Funny Valentine while listening to one of my fav albums, The Waiting to Exhale soundtrack, and it made me sorta mushy.  

She sings, “You make me smile with my heart”. Then she goes on to sing “Your looks are laughable, Un-photographable…yet, you’re my favorite work of art. “ And later she tells us that “Every day is Valentine’s Day.” I bet that she adores/adored the man behind these lyrics that she’s singing so freely. Her lyrics can be used to substantiate a point that I am always trying to reiterate when there is a holiday associated with the exchange of gifts. Gifts are great and make you feel good when received especially when extravagant or well thought out. But a material thing can never overshadow the way you make someone feel through your actions.

Some of us may only see the guy that has the heart eyed emoji by his name in our contacts once every few weeks and some may see this guy on a daily basis. If there is geographical distance, this only means that there are fewer opportunities for the indescribable feeling of gratitude to occur. That feeling that it is Valentine’s Day every day, every time that you interact. Don’t you want that goofy smile on your face all that time, you know, the one you have when you get a cute unexpected text message or email? See, you won’t have that same sort of smile when you open up that expensive perfume or those chocolate covered strawberries from Sherry’s Berries. I’m not saying that I won’t exchange gifts but I am saying that I am after what is intrinsic, those things we cannot explain or quantify. That’s what matters the most to me, those moments that put a smile on my face just before I go to sleep at night.

In my opinion, it’s important not to get caught up in materialism. I’ll take the shack with the man I love over the mansion with a man that it’s not real with. Humph, guess this can be another proclamation to add to my “I will not settle” memoirs. How will you be celebrating your boo, bae, husband, significant other, homie- lover- friend this year?

 Fight for the fairytale, it does exist.

-M

 

Scared of Beautiful

  
On 12/31 at 11:59am, I sat on a pew in some place familiar; the church I was raised in, it was where my second family resided as I was growing up. I was sitting between my sister who has been given that title due to our history and my two favorite people, my niece and my mom. Being in this place in that moment, I could not help but to have flashes of nostalgia followed by thoughts of the future. Everyone is so into making resolutions and really for me, I’m not into that. I have always had goals, from the moment I got my first journal probably around age eight or nine. The goals are in range from very short term like what I want to achieve during the upcoming week to very long term, where I want to be in a year, two years, etc. I have a rough idea of where I want to escalate to in life and I’ve realized that it is not about what I have to do to get there but more about what’s holding me back. What are the fears that are not contributing to my acceleration?
Fate loves the fearless, fate loves the fearless, I literally repeat this to myself on a regular basis. It’s so freaking true. There is this song by Brandy called Scared of Beautiful that basically sums up what I’m trying to convey, the purpose of this post.

Here’s part of the chorus:

No wonder why

There’s no mirrors on these walls no more

You can’t tell me why

You’re so terrified of beautiful

Scared of the good

More than the evil

Scared of the light

More than the dark

Scared of the truth so much more than the lie

I’m scared for me

*sigh* So, can someone be so complacent that they become fearful of the possibilities of being fully happy and fully whole? Are we afraid to relinquish and be vulnerable in order to obtain something that we have been seeking, something that we have never had before? In my day to day interactions I am exposed to people who reside on both sides of the spectrum. I’m acquainted with a woman who took a crazy leap and is happier than she has ever been before. She stepped out on faith, the faith that she could be happier once she stopped settling. On the other end, there is another acquaintance who I am convinced is satisfied with being mediocre even if it means being unhappy because of fear. Can someone be fearful of being happy? Smiling at the little things, just wrapped up in a bubble of bliss? Who doesn’t want that, right? As I get closer and closer to being whole and a more delighted being, I do think about how easily things could tumble down but those thoughts dissipate almost immediately when my mind feels the flutters of my heart.

 So in 2016, I challenge you to relinquish, release, and stop being scared. Raise your hands and surrender, let the negative thoughts roll down your back and welcome the new, the thoughts of excelling, and surprising everyone, even yourself. I do small things almost on a daily basis to push myself and often cry when I achieve these things or complete the associated tasks. Those tears are a mixture of being proud of me for making the action and being disappointed in me for actually entertaining the thought of not making the action that I did.

 If your goals don’t scare you they aren’t big enough but don’t ever let the fear cause hesitation.

 -M