Patience to Settle

I really feel like I need a support group. Some place I can go and just talk some things out. I know that there are tons of people who are just like me. Tons of people who are at the brink of making a crazy leap but still have that daunting fear of falling flat on their face. I know I’m always preaching about fate loving fearless beings. So, what the hell is my problem? Right now, I’m working a job that is stunting my growth and I feel like my wings are clipped every time I sit down at my desk. I yearn for a more challenging and thriving environment, one that is conducive to molding my creativity while I am building stronger technical skills. So what am I waiting for? Am I being patient or am I settling? I think that a dissection is necessary for me to try to discern what’s holding me back.

Settling

Do me a favor and Google search, “quotes about settling”. You will be bombarded with tons of quotes that will aid you in empowering yourself to keep moving or to say “No” on your quest to fight for what you want. I think that many people only look at settling in the context of romantic relationships. There is the risk of settling in every aspect of our lives from settling for the potato chips instead demanding from self to do better and hop off the couch and cut up some crunchy veggies to make a healthier option. You can settle with your employer – “Oh, they give me freedom and so much vacation time”. “I have tenure here; I don’t want to start all over again”.

Settling is synonymous with being comfortable. I don’t want to be comfy; I want to be wiggling around, making moves, striving for better, building an empire for myself. How can I do that in the comfort zone? I can’t. This also means I have to extradite people from my life who live in a comfort zone as well. Yes, that’s criminal. How can I thrive with mediocrity all around me? I can’t.

Being Patience

I am one hundred percent sure that patience is my ultimate test. I fail almost on a daily basis and being impatient is why I am not as far as I believe I should be in life. In the past, it has caused me to be unsuccessful in many aspects of my life from financial status to my health and even in friendships/relationships. So right now, where I’m standing, I want to make sure that I make my next move for reasons other than impatience dominating the scenario. I always have a plan but sometimes my impatience causes me to deviate. I have been on track with a career goal that I constructed over a year ago. I have jumped many hurdles that were lined with mini tests of patience but how do I know when to make a major move and that I’m doing it for the right reason? This is why I feel stuck. I feel like this is my biggest test of patience yet and I truly don’t want to fail. Ugh, is that fear sneaking back in? Or am I really supposed to wait?

Now that you can see my plight, it should be more evident as to why I believe that a support group would be beneficial for me. Is there anyone else in this same place as I right now in life? I’m trying to remember my worth, remember what I deserve, and be patient at the same time; a virtual and emotional juggling act for sure.

I’m going to drop this Amelia Earhart quote right here that has been stuck with me this week and drop the mic:

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.”

 Until next time,

-M

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Keep it Sweet

  
My music choices are too eclectic to understand. No for real, they go from Gucci Mane to Anita Baker. But in the lyrics, I often find the sweetest messages. Where are you going with this Shemila? Is that what you are thinking? Anyways, it’s almost time for that date that you drew a heart around on your calendar, Valentine’s Day. If you know me personally, then you know that for the past X amount of years, I have been observing it as Single’s Awareness Day instead. The tables have turned and there is a lad who is crazy enough to want to share time with me on this day we call a Hallmark hoax when we are single or without a special someone to share it with. Okay back to the point I was making about song lyrics, I heard Chaka Khan’s Funny Valentine while listening to one of my fav albums, The Waiting to Exhale soundtrack, and it made me sorta mushy.  

She sings, “You make me smile with my heart”. Then she goes on to sing “Your looks are laughable, Un-photographable…yet, you’re my favorite work of art. “ And later she tells us that “Every day is Valentine’s Day.” I bet that she adores/adored the man behind these lyrics that she’s singing so freely. Her lyrics can be used to substantiate a point that I am always trying to reiterate when there is a holiday associated with the exchange of gifts. Gifts are great and make you feel good when received especially when extravagant or well thought out. But a material thing can never overshadow the way you make someone feel through your actions.

Some of us may only see the guy that has the heart eyed emoji by his name in our contacts once every few weeks and some may see this guy on a daily basis. If there is geographical distance, this only means that there are fewer opportunities for the indescribable feeling of gratitude to occur. That feeling that it is Valentine’s Day every day, every time that you interact. Don’t you want that goofy smile on your face all that time, you know, the one you have when you get a cute unexpected text message or email? See, you won’t have that same sort of smile when you open up that expensive perfume or those chocolate covered strawberries from Sherry’s Berries. I’m not saying that I won’t exchange gifts but I am saying that I am after what is intrinsic, those things we cannot explain or quantify. That’s what matters the most to me, those moments that put a smile on my face just before I go to sleep at night.

In my opinion, it’s important not to get caught up in materialism. I’ll take the shack with the man I love over the mansion with a man that it’s not real with. Humph, guess this can be another proclamation to add to my “I will not settle” memoirs. How will you be celebrating your boo, bae, husband, significant other, homie- lover- friend this year?

 Fight for the fairytale, it does exist.

-M

 

Scared of Beautiful

  
On 12/31 at 11:59am, I sat on a pew in some place familiar; the church I was raised in, it was where my second family resided as I was growing up. I was sitting between my sister who has been given that title due to our history and my two favorite people, my niece and my mom. Being in this place in that moment, I could not help but to have flashes of nostalgia followed by thoughts of the future. Everyone is so into making resolutions and really for me, I’m not into that. I have always had goals, from the moment I got my first journal probably around age eight or nine. The goals are in range from very short term like what I want to achieve during the upcoming week to very long term, where I want to be in a year, two years, etc. I have a rough idea of where I want to escalate to in life and I’ve realized that it is not about what I have to do to get there but more about what’s holding me back. What are the fears that are not contributing to my acceleration?
Fate loves the fearless, fate loves the fearless, I literally repeat this to myself on a regular basis. It’s so freaking true. There is this song by Brandy called Scared of Beautiful that basically sums up what I’m trying to convey, the purpose of this post.

Here’s part of the chorus:

No wonder why

There’s no mirrors on these walls no more

You can’t tell me why

You’re so terrified of beautiful

Scared of the good

More than the evil

Scared of the light

More than the dark

Scared of the truth so much more than the lie

I’m scared for me

*sigh* So, can someone be so complacent that they become fearful of the possibilities of being fully happy and fully whole? Are we afraid to relinquish and be vulnerable in order to obtain something that we have been seeking, something that we have never had before? In my day to day interactions I am exposed to people who reside on both sides of the spectrum. I’m acquainted with a woman who took a crazy leap and is happier than she has ever been before. She stepped out on faith, the faith that she could be happier once she stopped settling. On the other end, there is another acquaintance who I am convinced is satisfied with being mediocre even if it means being unhappy because of fear. Can someone be fearful of being happy? Smiling at the little things, just wrapped up in a bubble of bliss? Who doesn’t want that, right? As I get closer and closer to being whole and a more delighted being, I do think about how easily things could tumble down but those thoughts dissipate almost immediately when my mind feels the flutters of my heart.

 So in 2016, I challenge you to relinquish, release, and stop being scared. Raise your hands and surrender, let the negative thoughts roll down your back and welcome the new, the thoughts of excelling, and surprising everyone, even yourself. I do small things almost on a daily basis to push myself and often cry when I achieve these things or complete the associated tasks. Those tears are a mixture of being proud of me for making the action and being disappointed in me for actually entertaining the thought of not making the action that I did.

 If your goals don’t scare you they aren’t big enough but don’t ever let the fear cause hesitation.

 -M

 

 

No Cuff Zone

It seems like a day doesn’t go by that I don’t read an email, article, blog, or post in one on my various timelines that is based upon the ever so buzzy topic of self-worth. There are countless mantras and devotionals that are drafted on a daily basis by all sorts of sources from your everyday Joe Blow to world acclaimed spiritual leaders. It is often that I indulge in this information and even share it. Over the years, I have always conveyed that I knew my worth and worked on my esteem and learning to love myself. Today, when I reflect, I am not one hundred percent sure that I was being real with myself about these declarations I was making. I am that person that everyone believes is real and raw in my delivery of information so dare I admit to falling short of my promises to love myself and know my worth? Honestly, it is not as easy as it seems and it’s truly a daily battle we must choose to fight no matter how wounded we are.

It was not until after cuffing season for 2015 commenced that I realized that I had finally gotten a grip, I had finally reached the level of love for myself that was supposed to be there all along. Cuffing season, it happens every year when the summer comes to a halt and the leaves start to change colors. Guys, for some reason, begin to scroll through their phone books and seek out someone to settle down with at least through the end of January. If you don’t believe me, ask two of your lady friends and they will tell you that they were contacted by a beau from the past a few days after the temperature dropped below fifty degrees. This year, I was contacted by exactly six, yes six guys from the past. Absurd, right?

One by one, they came, from the guy who is the holder of my V-card to the one minute man to the guy who abandoned me with no warning, to the two year old summer fling, to the guy who still has a girlfriend, and so on. One by one, I ducked and dodged them with ease. This is a great feat for me and this is where my most recent epiphany was born. Ya see, just a few years back my esteem was low enough to believe that I had to give any guy my attention that looked my way. I was so low that I really did believe that I had to,”take what I could get” A shame, right? My testimony and point for my post is that you have to begin walking like you are talking and investing in thyself. The return on investments that I have been receiving as of late is astonishing. I am overwhelmed with the amount of pride that I embody and what I have overcome. I can finally say that I do love myself and that I KNOW MY WORTH. The battle is everlasting and the sweetest, most important vow that can be made to self.

“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”

Will you join me in the fight?

-M

Single Redefined

My age is greater than the last time I shared my thoughts and of course once again, I am evaluating my accomplishments and life overall. Where do I want to be? What do I want to achieve next? Ya see, there are several controllables that keep me sane. If I want to be a movie star, I can take acting classes in order to at least feel like I’m working toward my goal. If I want to run a marathon, there’s an application that I can download to my phone that will teach me how to run over a period in time. But those things that I want that I have no control over; those are what haunt me at least once a week, like Michael Myers ready to pounce at any time. The marriage, the husband, the fairytale ending, the “omg I never thought I would find someone to love me” feeling. The other day, a light bulb went off in my head and the heat must have made me schizo for a minute because I heard a voice tell me that being single is not really what it seems. Why does the word have a negative connotation once you hit a certain age or just period? If you don’t have at least like a few exes by the time you graduate high school, you’re a certified weirdo.

According to Webster’s dictionary, the word single means only one in number; one only; unique soul. There are other definitions related to the word such as suitable for one person only, solitary or sole, and unmarried or not in a romantic relationship. Now being the person that I am, I began to dissect these definitions in efforts to retrain my thoughts and find positives. Hmm so unique soul? That is definitely me. See, we were all made to be different and that’s such an attractive thing. I love the fact that I trip over my own feet and laugh it off and that I sometimes snort when I laugh, these are things that make me unique combined with a plethora of other characteristics that would take me countless days to attempt to quantify. Next I thought about what it meant to be solitary or sole, that certainly does not define me. I have a solid support system through my family and friends. As a matter of fact, I would go on to say that a lot of the people in my life admire me and want nothing but for me to excel and grow into a being that I never thought I could be. I have friends who are there that I haven’t talked to in weeks and I have friends that I talk to on a daily basis. I’m blessed and definitely not in any sort of solitude unless I make it my choice.

Why can’t being single be a positive thing? I think it is. I think that once I truly appreciate my uniqueness and accept the fact that yes I’m “unmarried” but I am not in any sort of solitude by any means, that I will become more attractive. We all have struggles due to what we believe life should be like and where we should be in comparison to where we are currently. One of the ways that I was able to grow more confident was “owning” everything that I am. Sometimes I’m a bitch, sometimes I am a pushover, sometimes I’m a slacker, sometimes I’m an over achiever, you get it. Whatever I am, I am me and no one can take that. Today, I own the fact that I am single. I will remain this way until I find someone who will accept all of my weird quirks as well as my colorful group of friends and family that compose my support system.

All my single sistahs, will you own it with me? The world is our runway, let’s work it!

-M

White Noise

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When the silence isn’t awkward then I know that we vibe. That’s really how I gauge the connection that I have with another being. You ever met a person who just talks because they think that is what they are supposed to do, just using words as fillers and being annoying in a mega way? If you haven’t, then you’re probably that person. I just feel a though your words mean more when you say less. Keeping it simple is really the key for me and all don’t understand that, especially the opposite sex. Recently I was just confronted with the thought of my silence being misinterpreted as disinterest and that is not so. My belief is that when you are vibing with someone, you don’t have to be an investigative reporter, there’s a certain openness and flow of information that occurs because of your excitement of getting to know each other. Am I right or just insane? I’ve had many great connections with men, electric sparks, fireworks, butterflies, etc…you get it but how genuine were these connections if I’m sitting here on the couch in my old lady jammies writing this post?

My word vomit above was really just my twisted way of trying to figure out how you determine when to throw the towel in or when to keep trying to evolve what is just a vibe into something more meaningful.

Is the fact that the silence isn’t awkward enough? Omg, no one ever said that it would be this difficult. What do you do when the signals are mixed? How are mixed signals even defined? Are there even any signals? Is my perception skewed? Do you write a pros versus cons lists or decide to just give up because of the thought of having to question the connection? My answer for now is just to play it by ear, ultimately people will show you how much they care and who they are, further proving my theory that words aren’t always necessary. I will just try to enjoy what is along with a splash of what could be in the back of my brain. Things are cute for now; I just have this embarrassingly weird obsession with assigning everyone in my life a slot or role. I’m sort of like the casting director of my life. Oh, no one else does that? Okay.

My laid by attitude when it comes to males may be the death of me or a one- way ticket to the friend zone every trip.

Actions prove who someone is; words just prove who they want to be.

-M

Ms. EClass in the Building!

As adults, we begin to learn that we have to feed our need for intrinsic rewards in order to be happy. As adults, we have responsibilities that cause us to need a steady and dependable income. This often means that we end up sitting at a desk doing something we feel is totally unfulfilling and not in alignment with our destiny. In my life, I have several acquaintances that are in this boat with me but they have found way to row towards their creativity outside of work. I wish to share with you the story of a woman who works forty hours or more per week and fulfills duties associated with being a mother and wife. Even with that full plate, she still finds time to do what she loves in the way that she knows how which is admirable. FullSizeRender 

I interviewed this aspiring female rapper and want to share the dialogue here, check it out: 

Who is Ms. EClass? Ms. EClass is a sassy, does not accept any nonsense whatsoever from anyone, she’s brave, fearless, confident, with zero filter. She is a classy Superstar! 

Do you remember your first set of rhymes? Yes! I was 7 or 8, I wrote them sitting in my room and recorded my song with a cassette tape on my boombox. Is that telling my age? My first song was called, I apologize. I suppose it was a love song, as if! 

Where does your courage come from to endeavor your dreams? First I give All praises to the Most high, My God, I can do all things through him who strengthens me! Deep, deep, deep down inside, I grew up a really shy girl. I had a big voice, begging to get out! The minute I kicked the fear is when I felt more free than I ever have! It was my time! I started making little snippets and posting them to my social networks and the buzz started! 

Who would your dream collaboration be with? On a major scale none other than the impeccable, Onika Maraj, without any doubt! 

What inspires your sound? Depends on my mood. I love making music, period. I’m doing this for everyone who was told they will never be anything or was told you will never make it anywhere because of where you are from. Stay inspired, hard work and dedication and your time will come! My life helps me with writing new material. 

Upcoming projects? I’m so grateful that I am very busy these days. Be on the lookout for my video I am shooting for my song, Party, Ladies First Cypher Part II Akron Edition a new track and video dropping soon as well, a couple performances lined up in Akron, and Columbus. *(Dates to be announced on my pages)* I’m getting beats sent everyday for new material. I’m grinding, I’m just a girl from the small city of Akron ready to take my sound worldwide! 

How can we find you? Hit me up for features! Mseclassmusic@gmail.com Soundcloud.com/mseclass 

Instagram- @mseclass Twitter- @MsEclass 

The first time I heard this song it became an instant fav, check it!

https://soundcloud.com/mseclass/party
Be inspired, be you. -M

Attitude Adjustment

attitude-adjustment-photo-238x300

So I still haven’t really set any concrete goals for myself for the year because I believe that it’s going to be a dynamic one full of growth and numerous triumphs. The possibilities are limitless and I don’t want to create a ceiling with goals. I am afraid that I won’t set the bar high enough, like my arm can’t reach up to Mars. Make sense? Well as I am living life and striving to do so with purpose, I have been coming up with some alterations I can make internally that will make me a greater asset to others in my life and ultimately my future King. Anyways, my challenge for the first quarter of the year is to work on my attitude. Yes, like there’s already a stigma that a brown-skinned girl with the name of Shemila is probably sassy and hot-tempered anyways, let’s be honest. But really, that is not who I am. I am this naturally meek being who just wants to live organically, smells the roses, and feel the sun against my skin. When I am stressed, I close my eyes and picture myself dancing in a field of dandelions for God’s sake. I am trying to get back to that girl who lets things roll off her back. Now don’t get it twisted, I will always stand up for myself but I just need to learn how to fall back more often. Why am I always on the defense? Most battles are honestly not worth fighting especially when I know I am destined to win the war.

I feel like in order to move forward with fixing my attitude; I have to identify some things that hinder me. So here we go:

Too Much Explanation

I spend too much of my time explaining myself, who I am, why I do what I do, and how I plan on do it. The truth is I like to speak things into existence but am I cursing myself with my own tongue? Am I overanalyzing every little thing and missing out on the bigger picture? Am I getting in my own way by doing this? I think it would be safe to say that the answer is yes. The trials that I have endured during my journey of life so far have taught me who I am and given me the ability to be sure and confident in the choices that I make. I feel like I iMessage, text message, instant message, email, and even speak too many words in a day. It is like I’m trying to make up for all those years during childhood when I didn’t speak up for myself. Yes, at one point in life I was so shy that my teacher thought I had a speech problem, ha! I am so into the whole actions speak louder than words thing, but am I living that? I need to walk more and talk less in order to gain the piece of my sanity back that’s slowly slipping away. I know who I am and others will too when they watch my strides, no need for explanation.

Mind Yours

Why is it so hard for me just to mind my business? I am always trying to put my cape on and save somebody. Its tiring, especially when the person that I am trying to save doesn’t even want to be saved. Some people are truly happy living in a deep dark pit of bullshit (sorry mom). I mean like really, here I am working on being the best I can be while also trying to dart towards happiness and then there are people who are just content. Being content is just something that I am totally against, it’s synonymous with settling. I cannot and I will not ever be one of those people. Last year TD Jakes preached this sermon on New Year’s eve in which he repeated, “Let it GO” over and over. He was referring to all of the things that don’t benefit you such as people who don’t treat you right, thoughts of evil and revenge, and even being involved in a wrong relationship. My God, if I could just stop trying to be a preacher, I could just mind my business and make sure I am keeping my life and heart clean. How do I know when to turn my ears off and let the cries fall on deaf ears? I just think that there has to be a middle ground, why do I feel like I can save someone who doesn’t want to be saved? If I don’t stop this, the detriment will throw a wrench in my plan of living a totally fulfilling life.

Walking Disappointments

The biggest turn off for me is someone who does not keep their word. A man is nothing without his word, this is a principle I was raised up on and totally believe. That means that all the money you have, all the designer clothes, fancy cars, shoes, mansions you own, etc mean nothing to me without it. If someone tells me they are going to do something, be somewhere, or pretty much promise me anything, I expect just that. If you do not do what you say you are going to do then you just simply can’t be trusted, flat out. Also, I have to question the respect that a person has for me that feels it’s appropriate to go back on what they initially promised. Does this mean that I’m not important enough? Am I not a priority? People are walking disappointments but guess what they can walk right out of my life, or I can walk out on them. I can decide and it’s just that simple. I feel like nowadays, especially in my romantic endeavors, people aren’t willing to pay what they weigh so basically they are more trouble than what they are worth. I can’t have that and it’s a bad reflection upon me when I am letting these folks linger in my life. I certainly can’t know my worth if I am willing to allow people in my life to defy my trust by falling back on their word. I deserve reciprocity. Be who you say you are, do what you say you are going to do.

So really, my three main points may not seem like they play into my attitude, but they do. These are factors and happenings that have altered my perception on life and my ability to just live, so to speak. I have some serious work to do but I think that the most important thing I have to do is just to listen to my heart. My natural instinct is sometimes muted by my ego and I vow to work on that. I don’t want to lose myself by letting the world taint my being. It’s time to get back to ME.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

-M

Tug of War

Tug

I should be using these keystrokes to do homework but I just can’t. My brain and emotions have been on one thousand these last few days, it’s like my heart and head are in two different chapters of my book of life. I am vowing to get them on one accord in the most expedient manner because I have some hurdles to jump in these next few weeks of my marathon like life. Honestly, I think that I am in mourning for the friendships and things that I must leave behind. Leaving these things behind is what’s best for me but it also means that I have to hop up outta my comfort zone once again and travel into the unknown. I know my worth and need to keep walking like I’m talking; toward my purpose. I have been boastful and sure of myself in my past posts and it’s because I know that I am destined for greatness. I am sensitive and share all of me when I do dive into a new friendship or romantic endeavor so I’m thinking I need to be more cautious when it comes to choosing what I am going to embark upon. I am going to try to decipher between what my hearts says and what my head says in order to clear my head and move on to the next leg.

Heart

I am a moonchild, this means that I am extremely sensitive and have an emotional reaction to damn near everything. There are ups and downs that come with this trait but for the most part, I think it aids in living a more pure life. I am able to connect on a higher level with people because I am able to feel vibes that it seems like others aren’t willing to tap into or that they just simply ignore. I can gauge within the first few minutes of meeting someone if our spirits should mingle or not. I can also measure how organic my interactions are with others. This gets me into trouble sometimes because I see the spirit and not the person that it’s inside of. A person’s actions don’t always match their goodness. Until that person realizes that they have the beauty and power within them, they can be harmful to me as they are living outside of their purpose. I may or may not have some folks in my life like this; my heart does not want to let them go. The fact is some people never own up to their purpose, this is something that I cannot let myself believe.

Head

No matter what’s going on there’s this background music in my head that sings to me, it tells me that I am worthy, I am amazing, I am strong, I am determined, I can do it, Keep Going Mila. In my head I know everything no like literally I do and if I don’t I will find out. This is literally how sure I am of myself. I have always been that annoying “know-it-all”. This has presented some issues for me and I am working on being more open because let’s be honest, that is such an unattractive trait. Although it seems extreme, this attitude is what has gotten me to where I am today. My triumphs and accomplishments are due to this crazy brain of mine and its ability to keep me organized in the midst of complete chaos. There’s this sistah in my head that tells me, “Girl you are better than that, LET IT GO, WALK AWAY”. She goes on to tell me that I will get better if I just believe, she’s powered by all of those Bible scriptures I read growing up in the church and all of those Maya Angelou quotes that I adore.

So why can’t there be a median? Or is there? It always seems like a tug of war between the head and heart, I have no idea which anatomic part will win. Am I the only one who has this bought going on?

Holla if ya hear me,

-M

The Shed

Man, it is really that time of year again. It’s time for my annual review – not only with my employer but for me personally. This is a time of reflection, soul searching and goal setting for me. I have realized so many things this year and have had many epiphanies and revelations in which I am grateful for. I can’t wait to embark on new adventures in year 2015 but in order for me to do that I need to shed some weight. I picked up a few pounds throughout the year in the form of people – they’ve gotta go!

I am an asset to the life of those that I love and if I am your friend, then I love you and I have no belief in half stepping. With that being said, there are some general criteria for those relationships will be left in 2014. If I do not understand why you are in my life, you will be left behind. If you do not hold yourself to a high standard or have goals and dreams, you are being left behind. If you are not fighting the battle, daily, for happiness, buh –bye. I am destined for greatness so anything that I have control over including personal relationships should contain sprinkles of inspiration and beauty. I need to be able to pick up the telephone and talk about my dreams and aspirations no matter how outlandish they are to anyone in my life and the response should be something as crazy and maybe even some encouragement, ya know? I have some major life changes to make next year and I don’t need anyone distracting me or bogging me down with negativity. I am up for the challenge and ready for the shed. I don’t need to make any sort of declaration to these individuals, they will just see the change in my stride and my lips will be sealed more often, ears may go deaf a little more, you get it. Will you join me in this challenge?

Let’s reflect and goal set!

-M